I sit writing this entry from a place that, at times, felt impossible for me to end up. I sit writing this entry under the bright, late afternoon summer sunshine of Arcoverde, Pernambuco Brazil.
Being here has felt like a breath of fresh air.
I know it's only been a short time. I know, eventually, all the glitter will settle and I will be left with life "per usual." I know negative emotions will come, challenges will begin to surface, uncomfortable growth will happen, and there may even be tremendous suffering ahead of me. But for now, right in this very moment, right during these first couple of weeks of stretching my legs in the unfamiliar, life has been pretty, well, wonderful.
It's a weird wonderful. An unfamiliar wonderful.
I remember during my first couple of days here, it felt like I was living a dream. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, to receive an email telling me that there was a problem with my visa and that I needed to go back to the United States, to realize I wasn't given the right legal papers, or to find out that I would have to be deported for an indefinite amount of time due to the virus.
It was almost like I couldn't accept the wonderful thing God was giving me to enjoy because it seemed too good to be true. It was almost like I had grown so accustomed to life being hard, to life being a conscious, everyday effort to keep working, keep trying, keep holding on, that I didn't know how to react when life became easy.
It was in the midst of reflecting on this when I realized the extent to which I experienced spiritual warfare leading up to me getting here.
Ephesians 6:12 says: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."
Spiritual warfare and the powers of the enemy are alive and real. I don't think we talk about it very much because we don't want to risk sounding kooky. Honestly, I really didn't even think about it much until I started to experience it for myself (if that isn't that a song as old as time).
My thoughts of Satan were pretty much equivalent to my fears about possibly spontaneously combusting someday. Sure it's possible, but it doesn't have much impact on my daily life. I knew Satan existed, but he was a faraway threat that probably wouldn't amount to much.
Then things started piling up, all at once.
First, I watched those I love walkthrough unimaginable grief, I lost my grandfather, I watched multiple people I love, dive deep into entangling sin, totally unaware of the destruction they were hurdling toward. I soaked up the pain around me like a sponge. I felt a deep sense of guilt. How could I leave my family and everyone I loved so dearly when so much hurting was going on? How could I be so selfish?
Second, I knew that this path the Lord had called me to meant singleness of mind and heart. I had become aware that, at least for now, I needed to leave my old life behind and leave no strings attached. But Satan knew of my deep longing for companionship--to be loved, to be understood, to be walked alongside with someone of similar mind and heart. And over and over that desire was poked and prodded and over and over again the Lord kept telling me no. Telling me not yet. Telling me that I needed to go do this alone.
And by the end, I was exhausted. It's exhausting to want so badly to be loved but to know that you are supposed to be single at this time. It's exhausting and frustrating to actively choose singleness when you don't really want it.
Third, I began having night terrors. I began waking myself up in the middle of dreams yelling because I was watching myself and hundreds of women get brutally murdered, night after night. I would dread going to sleep because I wasn't sure what form of sadistic murder would await me in my dreams. I am not someone who watches scary movies and I don't read scary books, these images were not anything I had ever read or watched before.
Fourth, complications and fears about my visa caused a great deal of stress and worry. I had no idea when or if it would arrive, whether my documents would be safe traveling through mail or whether I would have to cancel my flight if it came late. I considered canceling my flight multiple times. I began making a life Plan B if Brazil didn't work out at all.
Fifth, in the midst of all of this, I was deeply sad. I was so heartbroken to leave my family and friends. I cried at my sister's baby gender reveal because I realized I would miss the first two years, maybe more, of my nephew's life. I cried while babysitting my nieces and nephews knowing I wouldn't be around to experience so much with them. It broke my heart to miss so many moments, memories and friendships while I was away. It was almost enough to keep me from leaving.
Ephesians 6:13-18 then goes on to say: "Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand, therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints."
Spiritual warfare is a tactic of the enemy to distract us, break us down, and try to make us believe lies rather than truth. It's a concentrated effort from the enemy to keep us from doing something that he doesn't want us to.
Now, I want to give a quick caveat that there is a difference between spiritual warfare and the consequences of our own sin. Sometimes life is hard because we are reaping what we ourselves have sown. Sometimes the road is difficult because God is trying to show us that this isn't the path we are supposed to take. Only you and God can search your heart and know where that lands.
Honestly, I wrestled a lot with whether the Lord might be telling me this wasn't the path I should be taking. I wrestled with whether the road was hard because God was trying to tell me to turn another way. I prayed so much about that, and time and time again He gave me confirmations and encouragements to remind me, yes, this was the path He would have me take.
But when you have prayed and discerned spiritual warfare is what is happening, it is important to remember that you must fight, hard. The lies thrown at you will seem logical and real. The distractions will seem good and fulfilling. The tactics to take you off the path the Lord is leading you down will be hard to ignore.
Let's revisit my earlier list and read them through the lens of what untruth lies at the root.
First: I watched those I love walkthrough unimaginable grief, I lost my grandfather, I watched multiple family members dive deep into entangling sin, totally unaware of the destruction they were hurdling toward. I soaked up the pain around me like a sponge. I felt a deep sense of guilt. How could I leave my family and everyone I loved so dearly when so much hurting was going on? How could I be so selfish? (The root lie here is that I am responsible for fixing the people around me because I cannot entrust them to God. The truth is that God, much better than me, is the healer of all wounds, the binder of all hurts, the mender of all things broken.)
Second: I knew that this path the Lord had called me to meant singleness of mind and heart. I had become aware that, at least for now, I needed to leave my old life behind and leave no strings attached. But Satan knew of my deep longing for companionship--to be loved, to be understood, to be walked alongside with someone of similar mind and heart. And over and over that desire was poked and prodded and over and over again the Lord kept telling me no. Telling me not yet. Telling me that I needed to go do this alone.
And by the end, I was exhausted. It's exhausting to want so badly to be loved but to know that you are supposed to be single at this time. It's exhausting and frustrating to actively choose singleness when you don't really want it. (The root lie here is that if I left for the mission field without having someone committed to me, I would never find someone. I would be forever single on the mission field without any companionship. Even deeper than that, is the lie that God doesn't know best or care about my happiness. The truth is that if He asks me to leave the country single, it is because He knows what is best for me and what will bring me the most joy and Him the most glory. I can trust that.)
Third: I began having night terrors. I began waking myself up in the middle of dreams yelling because I was watching myself and hundreds of women get brutally murdered, night after night. I would dread going to sleep because I wasn't sure what form of sadistic murder would await me in my dreams. I am not someone who watches scary movies and I don't read scary books, these images were not anything I had ever read or watched before. (The root lie here is that only danger and terror awaited me on the mission field. I needed to be fearful and scared at all times because foreign countries are dangerous and I am just one wrong move from being murdered. The truth is that God gives us discretion, awareness, and safety. It doesn't mean I won't ever be in danger of being killed, but it means that the Lord will never leave or forsake me and if it is my time to go home to Him, I will. If it isn't, God will protect me from danger.)
Fourth: complications and fears about my visa caused a great deal of stress and worry. I had no idea when or if it would arrive, whether my documents would be safe traveling through mail or whether I would have to cancel my flight if it came late. I considered canceling my flight multiple times. I began making a life Plan B if Brazil didn't work out at all. (The root lie here is that God didn't have the legal aspects of Brazil under control, that the Visa and the Brazilian Consulate were out of His reach of influence. It was a lie grounded in the idea that God couldn't really make everything happen smoothly. The truth is that God is sovereign over everything, and He will ordain and work through all things as He sees fit. He hears our prayers and has the power to work things out (which He did!!!)).
Fifth: in the midst of all of this, I was deeply sad. I was so heartbroken to leave my family and friends. I cried at my sister's baby gender reveal because I realized I would miss the first two years, maybe more, of my nephew's life. I cried while babysitting my nieces and nephews knowing I wouldn't be around to experience so much with them. It broke my heart to miss so many moments, memories and friendships while I was away. It was almost enough to keep me from leaving. (The root lie here is that if I left, I would lose my family and friends; I would be forgotten. The truth is that we are never without family. Even if we leave our Earthly family in another country and are far away from birthdays, births, and monument moments, we are given a family of believers in Christ.)
And had I not put on the full armor of God, had I not fought against the lies of the enemy with truth, I wouldn't be in Brazil right now. I wouldn't be learning Portuguese, I wouldn't be building relationships with people here, I wouldn't be experiencing the blessing of obedience, and I wouldn't be getting color on my pasty white skin.
I would be back home cowering away from the calling the Lord placed on my heart out of fear, out of distrust, out of buying into the lies of the enemy.
It's almost like coming here the Lord is patting me on the head and telling me to sit down and rest and prepare for my next battle. Almost like He is saying "Good job, you fought well. But get ready, there is still more to come."
And that is our reality as Christians. We will keep fighting this battle for the rest of our days until we stand before our Creator and He says, "well done good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).
You are loved and you are not alone,
S
P.S. Here is a worship song in Portuguese...listen and see if you recognize the tune =)
Acredito (We Believe)- Leonardo Gonçalves
