There I was just minding my own, in the midst of the pity party that I promptly penciled in for 2 p.m. Music was playing lightly in the background of my mind, and I could just barely make out the lyrics: "Poor me", "This is so unfair", you know, typical pity party tunes. Then, just when the beat was dropping, I heard a knock on my door. There standing in front of me was a memory from nine months ago, incredulously blinking at me.
"Hey, not to be a stick in the mud or anything, I know you're having a great time and all, but you DID pray for this like, I don't know, like not even a year ago. Anyway, can I use your bathroom?"
Cut the music. Party's over.
Isn't that just the way it always goes? We pray for patience, humility, self-control, or any number of the fruits of the spirit, always forgetting we are at the same time praying for the painful and uncomfortable circumstances that will sanctify us to reap more of that fruit.
I remember before I ever stepped foot on the mission field, I was praying that the Lord would protect my heart from pride. I had read stories of pastors, missionaries, and those in other positions of ministry ruining a great church, a great mission, and a great ministry with pride.
Something that once started out as an outflow of love became a pedestal to stand on.
I remember journaling about many verses in the Bible that talk about doing something for the wrong reasons or with the wrong heart attitude (Matthew 6:1, Matthew 6:3-4, Matthew 6:6, Matthew 6:17-18).
I remember journaling that if I gave up family, friends, country, and comfort all for the wrong reasons then, in God's eyes, it amounted to nothing. I could have just as well stayed home.
It wasn't easy to leave home. It wasn't easy to say goodbye to everyone I knew and loved. It wasn't easy to step out in blind faith. What a waste of YEARS of my life if I ruined it with my pride.
I didn't want to come to the end of my life to have God tell me that actions I convinced myself were for the glory of God chalked up to diddly-squat because they were all motivated by the desire to be praised.
I knew, especially in the Christian world, how easy it is to place missionaries in the category of super-Christians, and I also knew how easy it could be to listen to that praise and then really start to believe that I was something spectacular, and so I prayed that God would help keep me humble.
Bless my heart, right?
And so, I realized that circumstances I was allowing myself to throw a pity party for, circumstances that I don't like and aren't easy, are humbling me. I realized that God was giving me exactly what I prayed for.
I am, embarrassingly still in the process of reading the book by Lou Priolo I mentioned a few blogs ago, "People Pleasing: How not to be an 'approval junkie.'"
The other night I was reading a few chapters before bed and the section I read spoke right to the situation I was in and knocked the wind out of me at the same time. The section was on when you feel like your reputation has been hurt. And what really sealed the sucker punch was when he talked about how we respond in our thoughts and emotions when this happens.
"When your reputation has been damaged, it's easy to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to repair it. Some people are so worried about protecting their reputations that at the slightest hint that someone may have said something bad about them, they go into spin control (e.g., calling people in an attempt to assess the damage, going to other extreme measures to correct misinformation, letting the word out that the rumor was not true, or speaking evil about those who had besmirched their good names). I love what the psalmist did when proud people tried to tarnish his reputation: 'The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts' (Ps.119:69)" (Priolo 181).
Is it devastating when your reputation has been hurt? Do you feel the need to win back the good favor of those around you? Do you have a strong desire to correct the misunderstandings and tell everyone your side, whether that desire makes it way to actually creating an action, or just stays in your heart?
Congratulations, you dirty rotten sinner, you have pride!!
I knew and believed that God was sovereign and was my defender (see last blog), but the connection of my brain to my heart was still a little bit of an unstable connection. Some days I felt peace and assurance, other days completely alone and like everything would magically get better if everyone thought well of me.
In my mind, the grand, glittery, sparkly, and capital letter S "Solution" was people seeing the truth about me. The remedy was a restored good favor of people. And while I had placed that in God's hands to do in his own timing, it seemed like my job was just to sit and twiddle my thumbs until he made it around to answering my prayer.
And in that exact moment, the Holy Spirt showed me the ONLY remedy was ME becoming HUMBLE.
What a humiliating realization.
There is no shortage of places in the Bible that talk about pride and the necessity for humility:
"Everyone who has an arrogant heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished" (Proverbs 16:5).
"When the Lord has finished all his work on Mount Zion and on Jerusalem, he will punish the speech of the arrogant heart of the king of Assyria and the boastful look in his eyes" (Isaiah 10:12).
"Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure" (Psalm 101:5).
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
And if that isn't enough, Proverbs 6:16-19 lists the six things the Lord hates and the very first thing on that list is haughty eyes, or pride.
So how do we choose humility when pride is so deeply ingrained in us?
Priolo lists 4 ways you can "clothe yourself with humility."
1. Give your reputation to God
"The Greek word, kinosis, means 'to make empty.' The question is, 'of what exactly did Christ empty Himself?' The Authorized and New King James translations focus on Christ's reputation, saying of Him that He 'made Himself of no reputation.' Of course, Christ gave up much more than his reputation when he took on human form, but He was willing to humble Himself, giving up the glory he had previously had with God the Father. A proud person is one who has made an idol of his own reputation. Now, even a humble person may desire to do lawful things that will establish for himself 'a good name' for the cause of Christ. But he gives his reputation to the Lord, knowing that he may choose, for a season, to blemish that reputation so that, in the long run, the cause of Christ may be advanced" (Priolo 180).
2. Redirect praise back to God and to those individuals whom God has used to help you accomplish your achievements
"If the essence of humility is the realization that God (and others) is responsible for one's achievements, it follows that a humble person will not take credit for things he did not do. Instead, he will see to it that those who are responsible for the good deeds will be given their proper credit" (Priolo 182).
3. Associate with the humble
"Romans 12:16 says in part, 'Do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.' On what basis do you choose your friends? A people-pleaser chooses a friend largely based on how such friend might improve his reputation. Are you willing to develop friendships with those individuals who, on one hand, can model genuine humility and, on the other hand, can do very little to enhance your social standing? If not, you are out of step with this verse" (Priolo 182-183).
4. Be a servant
"A servant's heart is an attitude that seeks to serve others--not for selfish reasons such as a desire to impress people (so that they'll like you) or a fear that if they are not coddled they will reject you, but for their good and for God's glory. It's a spirit of wanting to do what is best for others in light of eternity. It's giving without expecting anything back from anyone. It is serving, knowing your reward for such service will be given to you not by man, but by God--not necessarily in this life, but in the next one. So if you learn to serve others not for self-exaltation, but because you love God and neighbor, you just might find a whole new joy in serving that you have heretofore never known" (Priolo 194).
And so, my prayer is each day we may small steps to clothe ourselves with humility. I'll be right there with you groggy-eyed and sluggish trying to yank my humility blouse over my un-brushed bed-head, but I will be there.
You are loved and you are not alone.
Love,
S
