Are there others out there who think life would be easier without emotions or am I just a little bit of a sociopath?
On second thought, please don't answer that.
For all you mentally healthy folks out there, the reason I say this is because my emotions make life complicated, both in the wonderful sense, and in the less-than-wonderful sense.
And it's usually when I am experiencing a less-than-wonderfully complicated moment that I reflect on how easy it would be to accomplish things without emotions.
Like to-do list stuff? Sure, checking everything off a to-do list would be a whole lot easier without emotions like tiredness, laziness, boredom, etc. But I am more talking about capital letter T things, such as oh, I don't know, deciding to be a missionary, moving to another country, and living a completely separate life from all your family and friends. Strictly hypothetically speaking, of course.
The other day I watched a video my sister had sent in our family group chat of my niece and nephew. The twins who could hardly string together more than a couple words when I left the country were speaking fully formed sentences.
And I wasn't prepared for the avalanche of emotions that followed.
Mourning: Look at all that time with my family that I have missed. I will never get that time back. There are so many moments and memories I will never have with them and that they will never have with me.
Doubt: Is it worth it, giving up all that time to serve the Lord here? Am I going to regret all the time I missed? Would my life be better if I was there close to my family and friends?
Fear: What if I am missing out? What if everyone back home has a great life and I am stuck lonely and sad on this planet far, far away?
Super inspirational stuff, I know. They'll put me in the history books right alongside Jim Elliott, Amy Carmichael and Lottie Moon.
Without those emotions of mourning, doubt and fear, how easy it would be to serve God in Brazil! How easy it would be to follow after him joyfully without thinking about what's going on back home! How easy would it be to agree to spend the rest of my life here without thinking twice!
But the truth is that it isn't easy. It's a daily decision to believe the promises of God who tells me that my joy is complete in him and not in any specific location or group of people. It's a daily decision to trust in his leading even when it feels like my heart will break from all the things I am missing.
And the truth is that some days are easier than others.
I have been serving in Brazil for 10 months. I have missed weddings, births, birthdays and the small daily moments that make up a life, but the number of things I have missed out on are nothing compared to the missionaries with me who have been serving for decades.
And yet they are still here. Why?
Over the last ten months, I have asked the other missionaries that question. And they have been honest with me that for a number of years they did want to leave. They prayed that God would bring them back to their family and get them out of Brazil. They were absolutely miserable here.
And then God changed their desires. God changed their emotions. Now, they love Brazil and have no desire to leave.
How is that possible? Doesn't the world claim that we can't control our emotions and we are all just helpless victims to every whim and fancy of our hearts?
But the truth is that we can control our emotions, and more than that, we can actually change them.
Psalm 37:4 tells us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our hearts.
To delight ourselves in the Lord means that we find our satisfaction, our joy, our fulfillment in him. Not in our family. Not in an idealized life or future. Not in a laundry list of things we think we need to be happy.
Once we do this, our desires change.
Rather than "I need to live near my family" our desires become "I need fellowship with God"
Rather than "If God doesn't change these circumstances, I will never be happy" our desires become "God is teaching me something through these difficult circumstances, and whether he changes them or not, he is good and all he does is for my good and for his glory.
Rather than "my joy solely rests in this" our desires become "my joy solely rests in the Lord alone, everything else, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, and yet, still I praise him."
Okay, so this sounds great on paper, but how does someone practically find satisfaction in the Lord alone?
I think the Lord teaches us this through taking away the things we previously were trying to find satisfaction in, and by causing us to be disappointed by the thing we placed all of our hopes and dreams on.
And it's through the pain of mourning and disappointment that we are forced to look to God, realizing our joy was misplaced all along.
And if you are stubborn and hard-headed like me, this is a lesson you have to learn over and over and over again.
Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10 that we have the power through the Holy Sprit to destroy every lie and argument against the truth, and we have the power through the Holy Spirit to take hold of our thoughts and make them align with that truth.
And so, when my thoughts tell me that following God isn't worth the sacrifice, I can take hold of that thought and align it with the truth.
Philippians 4 also talks about the power we have over our thoughts and feelings.
Paul says in verse 4-7: "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Chirst Jesus."
How do we guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus? By the peace of God that comes from rejoicing in the Lord, from prayer, and from thanksgiving.
Paul goes on in verse 8-9 and says: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
How do we get the God of peace with us? By actively thinking about things that are true and putting our faith into practice.
In verse 6 Paul tells us not to be anxious about anything, proving the power we have over our emotions, and in verses 8-9, he tells us what we are to think about, further proving the power we have over our thoughts and what we meditate on.
Now, I hope I made it clear through the beginning of this blog that this discipline is not one that I have mastered. There are still days when I mourn, when I question, and when I doubt. There are some days that I do really well taking my thoughts and feelings captive, and there are other days I don't.
I don't know what my life will look like after these two years in Brazil. I don't know if I will stay here or go back to the states or a completely different country. I don't know if I will commit to being a missionary for the rest of my life or not. To be honest, I don't need to have those answers right now.
All I need to do now is thank God for his countless blessings in my life, meditate on what is true, and trust in his leading and timing that is perfect.
And no matter where he leads me, I know he will be there right beside me.
You are loved and you are not alone,
Love,
S
