I've never really considered myself as someone tempted by perfectionism.
The best example I can give of this is the fact that I didn't graduate college with a 4.0. I loved school and learning and I would have loved to have graduated with a 4.0, but I didn't need a 4.0. I didn't feel like an utter failure unworthy of love without a 4.0.
In my mind, the baseline criteria for being a perfectionist was graduating with a 4.0.
But later I realized that the ruler I used to determine this was completely focused on what I could outwardly measure, and I completely failed to see that perfectionism is measured by the attitude of my heart and not how organized I am, how high my grades are, or how well I exercise discipline over my body.
I recently started reading a book titled: "Pleasing People: How Not to be an Approval Junkie" by Lou Priolo.
This blog could very well have been titled: "How Ministry Can Tempt Us Into People-Pleasing" because people-pleasing and perfectionism have a sister bond--a bond that runs its root into the deep soil of pride.
Again, being a people-pleaser was not something I felt I struggled with. I knew how to say no, and how to be honest about what I thought and felt. I knew how to approach hard conversations and speak painful truths in love. I didn't feel like I was a slave to the approval of other people.
But just like perfectionism, people-pleasing can be subtle, sneaky, and blinding.
And what can begin as subtle, sneaky, and blinding can quickly become overt in the context of ministry because ministry is one of the few unique occupations where achieving a standard of perfection or pleasing those around you can sometimes feel like the unspoken expectation.
While I have never worried about pleasing everyone around me at all times regardless of the emotional or mental or spiritual cost to me (a common people-pleaser stereotype), I have always cared about meeting or exceeding the expectations of those in my authority. Normally, in a 9-5 work situation, that person is reduced down to one or two people. But in ministry, and strictly speaking from my personal experience as a missionary, that person winds up being a lot of different people.
I have the other missionaries on my field who have authority over me and seniority in all things missions-related. Meeting their expectations and creating a good working environment is something I care very much about doing. I don't want them to regret inviting me to join them on the field.
Then I have those higher up in ABWE that I report to on a semi-regular basis about my ministry, my progress with language learning, and my life here in Brazil. As their employee and newly appointed missionary in Brazil, making sure I meet their expectations is important for me to be able to continue doing what I am doing.
Then there is my sending church Rock Point that stuck their neck out for me by telling ABWE: "Yes! We think this girl should be a missionary! We vouch for her and put our name on her!" And so showing Rock point that their act of faith on my part was not in vain is important to me.
And then, because of the uniqueness of being a missionary supported through the willful donations of supporters, there is a fear that if supporters are not pleased with my work, my attitude, or any other number of things about me or what I am doing here that they will stop supporting me.
Now, there is an element of all this that is good, normal, and even recommended. If I was not being held accountable to my organization, my bosses, my coworkers, and my supporters, I would be given free rein and it would be difficult to give others confidence in my faithfulness, as it would require them to just take my word for it. Little accountability with a lot of freedom is just a recipe to fall into sin.
If I didn't care about pleasing my coworkers, my bosses or those supporting me at all, that would be another issue altogether.
And so, I am not at all saying it shouldn't be this way. I am not saying that those in ministry should not try to please those to whom they are accountable.
But life in ministry can sometimes feel like living under a microscope, like every aspect of your public and private life should be made available for speculation and public commentary. It can sometimes feel like you are not allowed to have bad days, dry spiritual seasons, or doubts. It can sometimes feel like you are being held on an impossible pedestal and it's only a matter of time until you disappoint the ones who put you there.
In the past, I often would hear my pastor remind our congregation not to put him on a pedestal because he would only disappoint us if we did that. He challenged us to remember that God is the only one we can put on a pedestal like that. He told us that people will fail us every time: pastors will fail, missionaries will fail, the people we think of as superhero Christians will fail, and our faith might take a serious blow if the person we placed on that pedestal fails or walks away from the faith.
And I can only imagine as the figure of authority and knowledge standing up and preaching every Sunday, pastors experience this kind of pressure for perfection and people-pleasing even stronger than I do. And so, I recognize this issue isn't one I experience in a vacuum. This is a widespread issue for Christians everywhere and especially those in roles of ministry and authority.
And because this issue is so widesrpead, there are three camps I feel like we can fall into when we feel this pressure:
The first is buckling under the pressure and becoming a slave to man rather than a slave to God. In this camp, the desire for a congregations' or supporter's or ministry organization's approval becomes so important that the person is willing to disobey or sin against God in order to stay in the good graces of people. The praise of people is an intoxicating idol that they are willing to do anything to continue receiving.
"The inordinate fear of rejection also puts people-pleasers in bondage to man by so paralyzing them that they are diverted from fulfilling certain biblical responsibilities....several pastors I know believe what the Bible says about disciplining church members who continue in sin. Yet because of the fear of offending, some in the church or, worse, for fear of losing their jobs, they make dismal excuses for not confronting those in the congregation who need to be rescued and restored. Thus, like the rulers in the twelfth chapter of John who would not confess him for fear of being put out of the synagogue because 'they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God' (John 12:43), these pastors have been brought into bondage because of their fear" (Pleasing People: How Not to be an Approval Junkie, Lou Priolo, 55).
The second camp is completely rejecting the pressure and making no effort to please. This results in an aggressive and combative attitude that is willing to pick fights over insignificant matters and is uncaring and harsh in how they deal with people suffering or in sin or in need of spiritual support. It results in an attitude of pride that says their only job is to please God, forgetting that part of pleasing God is loving others well and, at times, showing more love and grace than we feel like they deserve.
"Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense either to Jews or Greeks or to the church of God; just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit but the profit of many, so that they may be saved. Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ" (1 Corinthians 10:27-11:1).
The third camp is the healthiest but the hardest one to reach. This camp pleases people for the sake of showing love but knows that there will be times when they cannot please everyone or meet everyone's expectations and in those moments all the validation we need comes from God. This attitude knows that perfection isn't something they can reach and actively reminds people of that. It doesn't make an idol of the praise of people and isn't devastated when that praise stops coming.
"Being a people-pleaser is like having a handle on your back that others can grab hold of and push you and pull you in all directions. Ironically, most of the time, they are unaware that they have such control over you. That's because it is you yourself who gives them this power. By God's grace, you can break off that handle and set yourself free from the control of others. Oh, to be sure, God wants you to serve others. But such God-pleasing service is to be done out of a love for your neighbor (a love that gives to his real needs), not out of a self-love that can't see his real needs because it is too concerned about its own wants" (Priolo 53)
And while I would have said that there were times before coming onto the mission field that I fell into the first camp, I would have said that most of the time I lived in the third camp. However, since coming onto the field, it feels like what used to be making occasional visits to the first camp has become an all out living arrangement.
I have spent days crying and anxious because I feel like I am not the expectations for my Portuguese learning. I have moments of doubt and worry if I am doing enough in ministry, scared my coworkers secretly wish I pulled more weight. I have times of fear wondering if my supports think my life as a missionary looks like what they think it's supposed to.
It feels like the bar is raised so high that it's only a matter of time until everyone is disappointed in me. And what has been a painful process to walk through is realizing this fear is really a manifestation of pride. My thoughts are wholly focused on making sure everyone continues to think well of me. My energy is focused on whether my name remains well spoken of.
Does it matter to me more knowing I am living the lot God has set out for me? Does it matter that I know am trying to balance time in ministry, time in Portuguese learning, time in English teaching, and time for myself in a healthy way? Does it matter that even if I lose the good opinion of some people that my identity is still rooted and grounded in Christ and I don't need to go chasing after their approval and win it back?
I remember after a particularity hard conversation with someone whose opinion I highly valued. Because I valued their opinion so highly, I was overly sensitive to their facial expressions, tone and I read between the lines. That's on me. But I walked away from the conversation feeling like they didn't really think much of my judgment, which meant they didn't think much of me, which meant I had done something wrong that changed their opinion of me, which meant I needed to better explain myself so they could know their new perspective was wrong.
In reality, all of this was only going on in my head. The other person, I realized later, probably didn't think any of those things. But a situation presented itself that threatened to jeopardize my pride and I went into survival mode.
Later that night I read Mark chapter 3:
"Jesus entered a house, and the crowd gathered again so that they were not even able to eat. When his family heard this, they set out to restrain him, because they said, 'He's out of his mind.' The scribes who had come down from Jerusalem said, 'He is possessed by Beelzebul,' and 'He drives out demons by the ruler of the demons'" (Mark 3:21-22).
The verses struck me in a way than they had never done in the past. Jesus' attitude struck me in a completely new way. The people saying these horrible things about Jesus were his family! The people who had grown up with him, seen him live sinless and perfect his whole life, they knew his perfect character better and more intimately than anyone and they still accused him of being out of his mind.
Yet, Jesus didn't become heartbroken over this. He didn't stop what he was doing and become obsessed with proving to his family or the religious leaders that he was really in his right mind or try to earn their respect. He didn't become discouraged by their doubts in his character and lose heart in his ministry. He simply kept going because his validation came from doing the Father's will, and not from the high opinion of his family or the religious leaders.
I realized my mental and emotional focus on meeting expectations had more to do with me than it did on really wanting to make sure I was doing a good job. Doing a good job begins and ends with knowing you are doing what you should. Pride focuses on making sure people think you are doing a good job whether you are or not.
And so, I confess there are times when I struggle to know even my own motivation. It's so easy to deceive even ourselves and forfeit our servanthood to God to a lesser servanthood to man.
But I am also here to say that there is hope in Christ who can release you from such a bondage and even if you find yourself in a position of ministry I want to encourage you that you, maybe even more so than others, need to be wholly and fully a servant only of Christ.
Pride is a sneaky disease that will quickly kill even the best intentions, ministries and churches.
And what is the remedy of pride? Self-forgetfulness. Humility. A heart so fixated on Christ and others that you are not so worried about your own name.
Easier said than done right? But I am right there with you. And the Holy Spirit, if we ask, can show us our true hearts and motivations and can give us the strength to start to change. No, it won't happen quickly or comfortably, but it will happen. And Christ will be there with Grace every step of the way.
You are loved and you are not alone,
S
