I Don't Wanna Go (If You're Not Going Before Me)

Sarah and Evie taking a rest at the construction site for the new church in Tupanatinga

These days, I've had one song on repeat.

It has kept me company while I wash dishes, drive, sweep floors, cook, and prepare English lessons. I don't have the exact number of times I have played the song, but if I did it would probably be too embarrassing to share. 

The song is "I Don't Wanna Go" by Chris Renzema. 

I heard the song a few years back, but I never found it that special. Then as quickly as the annoying boy in math class becomes a heartthrob overnight, so an average worship song took on profound personal meaning. 

This last month I was processing through one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make at this point in my life--to extend my contract in Brazil for another year or not. I didn't want to make the decision based on selfish motives or from a place of fear or lack of trust in the Lord. I wanted to make the decision that most pleased the Lord. I knew the decision that I wanted most might not be the decision the Lord asked me to make.  

Like David and the temple, I wanna bring You praise, but like David and his temple plans, Your ways are not my ways. You don't need me to build a temple to know that You love me still, oh.

Part of me wanted to stay, but another part of me didn't. Part of me wanted to pursue other avenues to better use my gifts and talents, but the other part of me wanted to continue investing in the ministry I had already started. I didn't want to just pick something without the Lord's leading. My heart felt like a ship on raging seas and I felt like it would drown before I ever made a decision.  

Like Israel on the shore, all I see is crashing waves, but like Israel on the shore, it's through the wild You make a way. I will go where You go, I will stay where You stay, oh.

I felt a heavy sense of responsibility to the youth ministry in Brazil. I feared that my leaving would hurt the ministry and possibly cause it to die. I knew the importance of that type of community and I didn't want to see it come to an end because of me. I had grown to love each of the students in that ministry. I wanted to see them continue to grow in their faith and I wanted to watch the youth ministry continue to flourish and become all that I dreamed it could become. 

'Cause I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me.

I remember laying in bed unable to sleep and I asked myself the simple question: "What do you want?" And for the first time, I admitted to myself that what I wanted was to pursue my talents and gifts through writing. I didn't see myself as a missionary for the rest of my life in the live-overseas-forever type of way and I didn't see myself as a youth leader forever. I have loved doing those things and watching how the Lord has worked through those things, but my passions and gifts are with writing. 

Like Moses in the desert, I wanna see the land, but like Moses in the desert, I can't fully see Your plan. Still Your love doesn't stop, when I see the land from a mountaintop, oh.

But even after coming to that realization, the feelings of responsibility to the youth ministry didn't go away. I imagined myself going home and I felt a pit in my stomach. I knew that as much as that was what I wanted, I couldn't do it without peace from the Lord. I knew fighting against that would only end in pain and suffering for me. I knew I had to believe that if the Lord wanted me to stay, it would be for my best and His glory. Then, on another sleepless night, I finally opened my hands and told Him that if He wanted me to stay for another year I would. I figured that would be the end of this story.  

Like Peter on the hill, I wanna make this my place, but like Peter on the hill, before Your transfigured face. I will go where you go, I will stay where you stay, oh.

Then a week later I woke up and felt like a burden had been lifted off of me. That heavy sense of responsibility was gone. I would think about the youth group or ministry in Brazil and feel a peace and a calm that the Lord would care for them in a way I never did before. I would think about going home and that pit in my stomach was no longer there. It was almost as if the Lord was saying, "You can choose." 

'Cause I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me.

I was in disbelief. I never expected to wake up and feel like that. I never expected to be given the choice. I thought it was stay and obey or leave and disobey. I had surrendered that year to the Lord honestly never dreaming that He would ever hand it back to me. 

If You're not going before me, yeah, if You're not going before me, I won't go, I won't go.

I felt joy and fear at the same time. I wanted to be sure that the Lord had really lifted that burden and was giving me the freedom to choose. I continued to pray about it and wonder if things would really be okay if I left. One night I watched the co-leader of the youth group give the lesson and a calm washed over me as if the Lord was saying, "He'll be okay. He can do this." 

Anywhere You are, I wanna be there. It's written on my heart, You're all I've ever needed. Anywhere You go, I wanna be there. It's written on my soul, You're all I've ever needed. Anywhere You are, I wanna be there. It's written on my heart, You're all I ever needed. Anywhere You go, I wanna be there. It's written on my soul, You're all I ever needed.

And so finally at the beginning of this month, I made my official decision to close the chapter here in Brazil. It breaks my heart to leave the friendships, the ministry partners who have become like family, and the youth who have become like little brothers and sisters to me. In spite of that, I feel at peace with the decision. 

I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me. I don't wanna go if You're not going before me.

I don't know exactly what the future is going to look like. I know I have a passion for writing and I want to pursue that. I know that doesn't mean that the Lord will make me a famous author, but I do know that He gives us our talents and passions for a reason and I don't want to waste them. I also know that the Lord can use me anywhere, whether in Brazil or not. 

If You're not going before me, I won't go, I won't go, no. Oh, if You're not, if You're not going, I won't go.

My journey in Brazil isn't finished. I still have six months before my time comes to an end. I am looking forward to making the most of the time I have left here and doing all that I can to finish well. But I am also looking forward to a future unknown, knowing I am about to enter into a new season of new and different joys and new and different sorrows. 

Like Jesus in the garden, won't You take this cup from me? But like Jesus in the garden, You don't call where You won't lead. I wanna love like You love, I wanna bleed like you bleed, oh. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S