Remember the Drought

In the summers, my dad would chop down the pine trees that had died alongside our property during the previous year, swiping flies and ringing sweat from his red handkerchief that he would use to wipe his face and then stuff as a wadded ball of fabric into his back pocket.

What had once been a wall of my make-believe log cabin, and heavenly shade in the sticky Indiana July heat was left as nothing more than a stump that stretched to my waist. 

I would trace my fingers over the uneven cuts of my dad's ax, observing the rough circles growing smaller and smaller to center. 

Some of the circles were almost touching they were so close together and others had spaces the size of my fingernail. The circles were lopsided, discolored, beautiful, and strange. 

I finally asked my mom the meaning of the circles, and she explained each ring represented a year of growth the tree had lived through, and if I counted the number of rings, I could actually tell how old the tree was. 

She also explained that the spaces between the rings could tell me how much rain the tree had received from one year to the next, whether the tree had lived through a drought or even a forest fire. 

Since those summers, I have loved the idea that with a little time, some careful observation, and a desire to understand, you can learn some of the most intimate pains and joys the tree had lived through. 

And I can't help but think of my own uneven, lopsided growth. 

For the years of my spiritual life that felt like droughts, where my faith felt like it was hanging by a thread and I felt like I was losing my love for the Lord, still I grew. 

For the years of my spiritual life that felt like forest fires, where the consequences of my own sin destroyed so much more than I bargained for, and so much more than I felt capable of recovering from, still I grew. 

For the years of my spiritual life that felt like times of plenty, where I felt overwhelmed by the love and grace of the Lord who continued to give me more than I could have ever dreamed, even still I grew. 

And I share this because sometimes it feels like I am trying to survive a drought. 

A tree in a drought is also referred to as drought-stressed. When a tree begins to undergo this type of stress, it will start to shed leaves. The fewer leaves the tree has, the more water the tree will be able to conserve. 

In short, the tree adapts.  

Usually, the tree recovers from this process of adaptation and soon it will find its boughs full of green leaves again. But sometimes, if a tree has shed all of its leaves, the tree isn't able to recover because of the lack of food caused by not having any leaves to photosynthesize. 

I am not always sure I am adapting. 

I long for deeper friendships with the people here. I long for a stronger community. I long for intimate conversations over coffee. I long to walk the Christian life with fellow believers sharing the joys and sorrows and struggles of that lifelong journey. 

But for whatever reason, the Lord has decided not to fulfill that longing in my heart. For whatever reason, the Lord has seen it fit to hold back the rain, causing the soil to slowly dry up and break, leaving deep gashes in the earth where my roots, hungry for water, have sunk deeper into the earth. 

Psalm 38:9 (CSB) says "Lord, my every desire is in front of you, my sighing is not hidden from you." 

The Lord knows of my desire for a stronger community here. He knows of my desire for deeper friendships. He knows of my desire to walk this Christian life with people here. He is not ignoring me. He is not depriving me. He is simply asking me to be patient, to have faith, and to grow anyway. 

Psalm 38 continues on in verse 15 "For I put my hope in you, Lord; you will answer me, my Lord, my God."

Despite not hearing a response from the Lord, despite not seeing his circumstances change, David still puts his hope and faith in the Lord. 

David knows that God is not plugging his ears to his prayers and he continues to believe that at the right time God will answer, but that also means that David must wait. 

C.S. Lewis in his book "Mere Christianity" writes: "The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose, the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be) is, I think, preferable. It is true that some people may find that they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless he sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good, which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not camping. You must keep praying for light; and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all, you must be asking which door is the true one."

This "some type of good" Lewis is referring to here, is, I think, sanctification. And God in his mercy and love for me is not meeting my desires because he sees there is some work of sanctification that needs to take place first. 

Could it be my desire to be liked by everyone that he sees fit to sanctify? Could it be the approval of others that often finds itself as an idol in my heart that he would like to realign? Could it be persistent fears of being unseen that he wants to correct? 

Who knows, but clearly he's got options. 

I think we often miss the point of waiting, of unfulfilled desires and prayers that have yet to be answered. Even if we are contented to quietly wait, I would argue we are still missing the point, which is what I think Lewis is talking about when he warns us that "waiting" is not to be confused with "camping." 

Waiting is never for the sake of waiting. Waiting is always to accomplish some work in us that could not be fulfilled in any other way. But I think we can sometimes be so focused on just "getting through" the time of waiting that we never look inward to see what the purpose of the waiting might be or what God might be trying to sanctify in us. 

It might take years to realize what the purpose of the waiting was, and even then, we may never understand the full scope of what God was doing until we reach Eternity. 

Another thing I find fascinating about trees is their memory; trees do not easily forget. 

In a study conducted by The Department of Plant Pathology and Microbiology at Texas A&M University, 73% of trees were still showing symptoms of drought stress 7 years after the drought had passed. 

Something repeated over and over again in scripture is the command to remember:

"I will remember the Lord's works; yes, I will remember your ancient wonders. I will reflect on all that you have done and meditate on your actions" (Psalm 77:11-12 CSB). 

"So, then, remember that at one time you were Gentiles in the flesh--called 'the uncircumcised' by those called 'the circumcised,' which is done in the flesh by human hands. At that time, you were without Christ, excluded from the citizenship of Israel, and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus, you who were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ" (Ephesians 2:11-13 CSB). 

"Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God brought you out of there with a strong hand and an outstretched arm. that is why the Lord your God has commanded you to keep the Sabbath day" (Deuteronomy 5:15 CSB). 

We are commanded to remember hard, difficult moments of our lives: the Israelites were commanded to remember their time of ruthless and abusive servitude in Egypt. Why? So that they can remember the powerful way the Lord delivered them out into freedom and new life. 

Former Gentiles are commanded to remember their wayward pasts when they were excluded from grace, destined for Hell, and without hope of ever being counted as co-heirs to the promises of God. why? So that they can remember the miracle of being given equal share in something they never deserved. 

And we, as Christians, who struggle against our flesh, who suffer in a fallen and broken world, who go through things we wish we could forget or never think about again, are commanded to remember. Why? So that we can remember how the Lord redeemed us, saved us, pulled us from the pit and set our feet on a solid place to stand. 

And the only fitting response to this remembering is worship. 

We can't pay God back and even the debts, and he doesn't ask us to. All he asks is that we remember and respond in worship. 

I know it might seem strange for me to be talking about remembering this time of drought when I am still in the middle of it, when the rains still haven't come. But I know they will. I know this time will pass about I don't want to forget God's faithfulness right now, in the midst of the hard, in the midst of the waiting, in the midst of blind faith. 

The rains will come; never forget the drought. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S

Wait in Faith, Pray in Faith

A photo I took while taking Honey on an evening walk

Since 2013, I have been choosing a "word" for each new year. 

The tradition started in the home of a mentor of mine. Every new year, she invited a houseful of women and girls to participate in painting a canvas in honor of their word--so that for the next 12 months, every time we looked at our canvas we would remember the word we chose, and be mindful of the ways God was working on that area of our lives. 

My word for 2021 was "pine"; to both pine after Christ, and to be like a pine--evergreen and faithful. 

This year, I decided that I would bend the rules a little bit and choose, not just one word, but six. Jeannie, please don't be disappointed in me. 

"Wait in Faith, Pray in Faith"

Now, I am not a believer in the "name it and claim it" movement where if I pray something with enough faith, it will happen, or that all I have to do is sprinkle pixie dust over my head, shut my eyes, and believe real hard and God will do whatever I want. I don't own a single Joel Osteen book and I don't listen to the likes of Benny Hinn. 

I also don't believe that we can manipulate God into doing our will by empty promises and flattery disguised as prayers. I believe that God is sovereign and his plans will unfold whether we want them to or not, however, I do believe that we are commanded to pray and that praying with faith and a heart full of belief is an inseparable element of that. I also believe that when we earnestly pray in faith and spirit, the Lord is faithful to hear and answer our prayers. 

How can those things be true at the same time?

Beats me. Probably someone with a seminary degree and more facial hair than me could explain that to you.  

This is a principal that I have struggled with for most of my Christian life. It's confusing and complicated at times to rectify the two truths that seem to be in direct opposition to one another. And while I don't have the biblical knowledge or training or degree status to fully and completely (and with nuanced flair) explain the perfect balance, here five simple truths that I do know:

1. We are commanded to pray in faith. 

"Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God--who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly--and it will be given to him. But let him ask with faith without doubting. For the doubter is like a surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord, being double-minded and unstable in all his ways" (James 1:5-8 CSB). 

"Early in the morning, as he was returning to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a lone fig tree by the road, he went up to it and found nothing on it except leaves. And he said to it, 'May no fruit ever come from you again!' At once the fig tree withered. When the disciples saw it, they were amazed and said, 'How did the fig tree wither so quickly?' Jesus answered them, 'Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you tell this mountain, "Be lifted up and thrown into the sea," it will be done. And if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer'" (Matthew 21:18-22 CSB). 

2. God is sovereign. 

"A king's heart is like channeled water in the Lord's hand: he directs it wherever he chooses" (Proverbs 21:1 CSB). 

"Many plans are in a person's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail" (Proverbs 19:21 CSB). 

"May the name of God be praised forever and ever, for wisdom and power belong to him. He changes the times and seasons; he removes kings and establishes kings. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. He reveals the deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness and light dwells with him" (Daniel 2:20-22 CSB). 

3. God will not always give us what we desire or pray for. 

"What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don't they come from your passions that wage war inside you? You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and wage war. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and don't recieve because you ask with the wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures" (James 4:1-3 CSB). 

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways,' this is the Lord's declaration. 'For as heaven is higher than earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9 CSB).  

4. God always answers prayers, but not always how we imagined. 

"But the Lord asked Abraham, 'Why did Sarah laugh, saying, 'Can I really have a baby when I am old? Is anything impossible for the LORD? At the appointed time I will come back to you, and in about a year she will have a son" (Genesis 18:13-14 CSB). 

5. All responses from God, whether favorable to our requests or not, are for our good. 

"Ask and you will receive so that your joy may be complete" (John 16:24 CSB). 

"Who among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him" (Matthew 7:9-11 CSB). 

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield. The LORD grants favor and honor; he does not withhold the good from those who live with integrity" (Psalm 84:11 CSB).   

These truths, although simple, are easy to forget.

It's easy to forget that God is a good father who gives good gifts and doesn't withhold any good thing from us. It's easy to forget that our prayers actually make a difference when we consider the sovereignty of God. It's easy to forget that the motivations of our hearts and the faith with which we ask with makes a difference in WHAT we pray for and HOW those prayers will be answered by God. 

I know they're easy to forget because I forget them often. And if I am being totally vulnerable (very uncharacteristic of me, I know) I struggle to pray for things because I trust that the Lord's decrees will come to pass with or without my prayers and so prayer sometimes feels pointless. 

It sometimes feels like praying for personal desires or hopes is a direct prayer against the will of God, and that the only acceptable prayer is "Thy will be done."

But why then does God ask us to come to him for the trivialities of human existence? Why does he ask us to come to him with our hopes, our dreams, our sufferings, our desires and our longings? Why does he ask us to pray for those things however small and insignificant that they might seem or however overwhelming and impossible they might feel? 

I think because prayer is an act of faith. It takes very little faith to sit on your hands and let life happen to you, and blame it all on God's will and sovereignty. 

I also think because prayer is an act of dependence and trust in God. It is asking God to do something that you can't take credit for and that you can't chalk up to your own abilities, qualities or merit. 

Hoping is difficult. Believing is difficult. Waiting is difficult. Waiting while believing and hoping feels like stretching a wound larger and larger, while only making yourself more vulnerable to be hurt in the end.  

Longstanding prayers like the one of Abraham and Sarah that required 25 years of waiting, praying, hoping and believing that the Lord would deliver what he promised, bring about a great deal of pain, doubts, of wrestling with faith, and a greater knowledge of the Lord's heart when it's all said and done.  

And I am still learning what it looks like to wait and pray with faith. I know he hears my prayers. I know he is powerful enough and able to answer any request I offer up. I know my pain is his pain and my joy is his joy. I know he doesn't withhold good gifts. I believe, Lord, help me believe. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S

12 Lessons // 12 Months

As I have been reflecting on my first 12 months in Brazil, I couldn't help remembering a few (trillion) lessons I have learned in those rapidly passing months. And so, I figured it was only fitting to create a list of 12 lessons learned in 12 months:

1. Portion sizes are larger in the U.S. than in Brazil. When I order a small coffee, I learned to expect that cup to contain exactly two sips and nothing more. 

2. I experienced overwhelming hospitality and love from people who hardly knew me. I was invited over for meals and parties and coffee and movies and I never could express how much that meant to me. 

3. SPEED BUMPS. I BECAME VERY CLOSELY ACQUAINTED WITH SPEED BUMPS. 

4. I learned to live a slower, more patient life. I watched others not grow angry and rude when they had to wait longer than 5 minutes for food or service, and I eventually learned from their examples. 

5. It was learning how to cook or starve, and I chose to learn to cook.  

6. Despite thinking I was going to be the only missionary who couldn't learn the language and have to be sent home in disgrace, I eventually learned. I cried and became frustrated and wanted to give up, but I learned. 

7. I can trust in the sovereignty and faithfulness of God despite confusing or painful circumstances. 

8. My heart is even uglier and sinful than I thought, and holy cow, I am so thankful for grace.  

9. You do not have to be on social media to exist. 

10. Podcasts are a glorious thing. 

11. RAISING A PUPPY IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. 

12. You are going to have to depend on other people more than you are comfortable with, but that's okay, it's uncomfortable because you are growing and becoming a little less prideful.   

(I Wish I Was) Homeward Bound

When I was a kid, I used to watch the 1950's sitcom "I Love Lucy" and aside from Lucille Ball and her incredible acting ability, one of the things I remember most about the show was every time Desi Arnaz would walk in the door and yell, "Lucy, I'm home!" 

Flash forwards a couple of years when my family adopted a black lab we named Lucy. 

Every day after school when the school bus would drop us off at home and we raced each other up the driveway slamming the kitchen screen door behind us we would yell, "Lucy, I'm hoooooooome!" 

For us, it never got old, but I am sure my mother would tell a different story. 

Home, for the majority of my life, has been a white farmhouse nestled next to a green rain-weathered barn on three acres of land. Home has been drafty windows in the winter and tattletale stairsteps when I was coming home past curfew. Home has been lined with pine trees to be used as cabins during the civil war and shelter when trekking into the uncharted west. Home has been vegetable gardens and tire swings.  

But right now, home isn't any of those things. If I am being perfectly honest, I am not sure what home is. 

My apartment in Brazil full of plants and books and a dog I picked up from the street doesn't feel like home yet, but the place I grew up in Indiana doesn't feel like home anymore either. 

I remember as I was preparing to come back to Indiana after my first year in Brazil I kept saying "I am going home" but when I got there, I realized things weren't the same. Time had kept moving. People's lives changed. My life changed. My life of daily tasks and community and conversations was located somewhere else. And no matter how much I wish it could be different, the white farmhouse in Indiana was my parents' home that I could visit for a little while, but it was no longer my home. 

Hebrews 13:14 tells us that Heaven is our only home that lasts forever. 

And so, when it feels like I am a wandering nomad with no place to call home and no land to call my own, I can rest in the truth that anywhere I call home on Earth is a temporary and dim reflection of what my true home in Heaven will be like. 

I think as we get older, we naturally start to realize how unfit this earthly home is. What we once saw with rose-colored glasses as children, starts to show an ugly underbelly as we age. We see corruption. We see injustice. We see deceit. We see sin. We see a world crumbling and full of pain. 

We long for a better home. 

Throughout the Bible Christians are referred to as sojourners, foreigners, strangers, and aliens. (1 Peter 1:1, 2:11-12, 1 Chronicles 29:15, Philippians 3:20). 

I am not a wandering nomad simply because I am caught somewhere between Brazil and America. I am a wandering nomad because Earth itself is not where I belong. 

And the more we realize this, the more we become uncomfortable with this temporary home and begin to long for our eternal home, the home we were created for, the home where we can finally be all that we were created to be in perfect sinless harmony. 

You know that feeling of being home? When people around you understand your background, your culture, share core values and core beliefs and you feel like you can just take a sigh of relief? 

Imagine that times a million when we are finally in Heaven. 

I find myself contemplating the brevity of this life often. I find myself contemplating how, in comparison to eternity, this life is a vapor--here today and gone tomorrow. 

I think I used to put a lot of stake in this earthly home of mine. I had a laundry list of things I wanted to hoard here on Earth to maximize my experience here before God took me to Heaven and I had to sing endless hymns to God forever and ever. (I really did think that was what Heaven was going to be like as a kid I didn't want to go because I thought it sounded boring.) 

But now? My list of things is less important to me. Sure, there are still things I desire to have on this Earth before the Lord takes me home, but that's with the perspective that it is temporary. That I will eventually say goodbye and give back to the Lord what he has allowed me to enjoy for a time. 

I think of it as a traveler on the road. On a road trip, you have a destination. Sure, if you do it well you will stop at all the cute towns along the way and maybe pick up a few trinkets to remember the places in between, but you wouldn't buy an apartment one town into the trip, sell your car and call it a day. You know each stop, each person you meet, and each experience you have is temporary and brief because you have a larger trip, a larger end goal, and what a shame it would be to get so distracted at the souvenir shop in an insignificant town along the way that you never make it to the Grand Canyon at the end of your trip.

Colossians 3:2 tells us to fixate our minds, not on the things of this temporary home, but on the things of our eternal home. 

And so, for me, that means understanding that this feeling of homelessness on Earth is one stop on my way home to heaven. It means not making my white farmhouse in Indiana an idol and a source of my identity, but understanding that Heaven is the only home where I will ever feel completely at peace, completely loved, and completely at home. 

And I don't know when that day will come when the Lord will take me home. It might be today, it might be tomorrow, it might be in eighty years. But no matter when he takes me, I will continue this journey as a foreigner doing my best to make the most of this vapor of a life. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S 

Video of my first year in Brazil

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Are there others out there who think life would be easier without emotions or am I just a little bit of a sociopath? 

On second thought, please don't answer that. 

For all you mentally healthy folks out there, the reason I say this is because my emotions make life complicated, both in the wonderful sense, and in the less-than-wonderful sense. 

And it's usually when I am experiencing a less-than-wonderfully complicated moment that I reflect on how easy it would be to accomplish things without emotions.  

Like to-do list stuff? Sure, checking everything off a to-do list would be a whole lot easier without emotions like tiredness, laziness, boredom, etc. But I am more talking about capital letter T things, such as oh, I don't know, deciding to be a missionary, moving to another country, and living a completely separate life from all your family and friends. Strictly hypothetically speaking, of course. 

The other day I watched a video my sister had sent in our family group chat of my niece and nephew. The twins who could hardly string together more than a couple words when I left the country were speaking fully formed sentences. 

And I wasn't prepared for the avalanche of emotions that followed. 

Mourning: Look at all that time with my family that I have missed. I will never get that time back. There are so many moments and memories I will never have with them and that they will never have with me. 

Doubt: Is it worth it, giving up all that time to serve the Lord here? Am I going to regret all the time I missed? Would my life be better if I was there close to my family and friends?

Fear: What if I am missing out? What if everyone back home has a great life and I am stuck lonely and sad on this planet far, far away? 

Super inspirational stuff, I know. They'll put me in the history books right alongside Jim Elliott, Amy Carmichael and Lottie Moon.    

Without those emotions of mourning, doubt and fear, how easy it would be to serve God in Brazil! How easy it would be to follow after him joyfully without thinking about what's going on back home! How easy would it be to agree to spend the rest of my life here without thinking twice! 

But the truth is that it isn't easy. It's a daily decision to believe the promises of God who tells me that my joy is complete in him and not in any specific location or group of people. It's a daily decision to trust in his leading even when it feels like my heart will break from all the things I am missing.   

And the truth is that some days are easier than others.  

I have been serving in Brazil for 10 months. I have missed weddings, births, birthdays and the small daily moments that make up a life, but the number of things I have missed out on are nothing compared to the missionaries with me who have been serving for decades. 

And yet they are still here. Why? 

Over the last ten months, I have asked the other missionaries that question. And they have been honest with me that for a number of years they did want to leave. They prayed that God would bring them back to their family and get them out of Brazil. They were absolutely miserable here. 

And then God changed their desires. God changed their emotions. Now, they love Brazil and have no desire to leave. 

How is that possible? Doesn't the world claim that we can't control our emotions and we are all just helpless victims to every whim and fancy of our hearts? 

But the truth is that we can control our emotions, and more than that, we can actually change them.  

Psalm 37:4 tells us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the desires of our hearts. 

To delight ourselves in the Lord means that we find our satisfaction, our joy, our fulfillment in him. Not in our family. Not in an idealized life or future. Not in a laundry list of things we think we need to be happy.

Once we do this, our desires change. 

Rather than "I need to live near my family" our desires become "I need fellowship with God" 

Rather than "If God doesn't change these circumstances, I will never be happy" our desires become "God is teaching me something through these difficult circumstances, and whether he changes them or not, he is good and all he does is for my good and for his glory. 

Rather than "my joy solely rests in this" our desires become "my joy solely rests in the Lord alone, everything else, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, and yet, still I praise him." 

 

Okay, so this sounds great on paper, but how does someone practically find satisfaction in the Lord alone?

I think the Lord teaches us this through taking away the things we previously were trying to find satisfaction in, and by causing us to be disappointed by the thing we placed all of our hopes and dreams on.

And it's through the pain of mourning and disappointment that we are forced to look to God, realizing our joy was misplaced all along. 

And if you are stubborn and hard-headed like me, this is a lesson you have to learn over and over and over again.  

Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10 that we have the power through the Holy Sprit to destroy every lie and argument against the truth, and we have the power through the Holy Spirit to take hold of our thoughts and make them align with that truth. 

And so, when my thoughts tell me that following God isn't worth the sacrifice, I can take hold of that thought and align it with the truth. 

Philippians 4 also talks about the power we have over our thoughts and feelings. 

Paul says in verse 4-7: "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Chirst Jesus." 

 

How do we guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus? By the peace of God that comes from rejoicing in the Lord, from prayer, and from thanksgiving. 

Paul goes on in verse 8-9 and says: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

How do we get the God of peace with us? By actively thinking about things that are true and putting our faith into practice.  

In verse 6 Paul tells us not to be anxious about anything, proving the power we have over our emotions, and in verses 8-9, he tells us what we are to think about, further proving the power we have over our thoughts and what we meditate on. 

Now, I hope I made it clear through the beginning of this blog that this discipline is not one that I have mastered. There are still days when I mourn, when I question, and when I doubt. There are some days that I do really well taking my thoughts and feelings captive, and there are other days I don't. 

I don't know what my life will look like after these two years in Brazil. I don't know if I will stay here or go back to the states or a completely different country. I don't know if I will commit to being a missionary for the rest of my life or not. To be honest, I don't need to have those answers right now. 

All I need to do now is thank God for his countless blessings in my life, meditate on what is true, and trust in his leading and timing that is perfect. 

And no matter where he leads me, I know he will be there right beside me. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

Love, 

S 

Comfortable Sinfulness, Uncomfortable Sanctification

My two older sisters and I pouting on the couch circa 1999

I spent my college summers working at Achaius Ranch, a nonprofit horse ranch about 20 minutes from where I lived. The ranch worked with rescued horses and provided free sessions to kids from all over the city. 

The ranch had a motto, and since it has been three years since my summers on the ranch, I cannot remember it perfectly, but the main idea was that learning happens outside your comfort zone. 

In order to learn a new skill, you have to step outside of your comfort zone, challenge your fears, and test your limits. This principle was applied to the horses, to the kids we worked with, and especially to ourselves. 

I found myself reflecting on this the other day when a thought crossed my mind that I was a lot less of an irritable and impatient person before I moved to Brazil. 

From one dirty rotten sinner to the next, can I just tell you that God has been showing me a lot of my sin lately? And just between you and me, can I admit that I felt a whole lot better about myself before he did?

God has revealed impatience where before I would have described myself as someone with a long fuse. He has revealed irritability where I would have described myself as laid-back and easy-going. He has revealed an abundance of pride that I wasn't aware was there. He has revealed a lack of love for others, where before I would have said that loving people was one the easiest things in the world for me to do. 

Why the discrepancy? Have I become more sinful since becoming a missionary?  

No. I have simply become uncomfortable. 

Here's the thing, we can all do a pretty good job keeping ourselves in check when we are comfortable. It requires much less effort to be easy-going and laid-back when there are minimal outside stressors. It's easy to have an abundance of patience and love for others when pretty much everything else in our lives is comfortable. 

I am not saying my life before didn't have problems or stress, but there were stressors that I didn't have before such as language differences, cultural differences, weather differences, community differences, and a number of small things that I never had to think about. 

I also want to make a note that the word "stressor" doesn't have a fundamentally negative connotation, it simply implies something that requires more attention and patience. 

So I don't want to confuse something being "stressful" with something having "stressors"-- Brazil isn't a "stressful" place to live, but it is full of "stressors" that I didn't have before. 

I love living in Brazil. I love the people here. I love the food. I love the other missionaries. I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me here and is allowing me to serve him here. With that being said, it is discouraging to look back on the person I was before I moved here and feel like that person was a better Christian than I am now.

But you do want to know the worst kept secret? The sin God has been revealing in my heart now was always there, it was just easier to hide when things were comfortable.  

When we step outside of our comfort zones, new stressors cause buried sin to bubble to the surface, which makes us realize what's in our heart and our need to deal with it, bringing us to repentance, and allowing God to make us more like him. 

So it could also be said that sanctification happens outside our comfort zones. 

Philippians 1:6 says: "And I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

That "good work" referred to here is the work of sanctification--the process of making us uncomfortable, revealing sin, leading us to repentance, and causing us to live differently over and over until we die. 

Sound exhausting? Yeah, sure, but the latter is worse. 

C.S. Lewis in his book The Screwtape Letters writes about a fictional world through a series of letters between senior demon Screwtape, and his nephew and junior tempter, Wormwood. The two demons have been assigned to a British man, only known as "the patient" who has recently become a Christian. The two demons write letters back and forth, corresponding on how well they are doing at destroying the man's faith by putting obstacles in his walk with Christ. The demons refer to God as "The Enemy" 

"But, if only he can be kept alive, you have time itself for your ally. The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather. You see, it is so hard for these creatures to persevere. The routine of adversity, the gradual decay of youthful loves and youthful hopes, the quiet despair (hardly felt as pain) of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which we have again and again defeated them, the drabness which we create in their lives and the inarticulate resentment with which we teach them to respond to it--all this provides admirable opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition. If, on the other hand, the middle years prove prosperous, our position is even stronger. Prosperity knits a man to the World. He feels that he is 'finding his place in it,' while really it is finding its place in him. His increasing reputation, his widening circle of acquaintances, his sense of importance, the growing pressure of absorbing and agreeable work, build up in him a sense of being really at home in earth, which is just what we want. You will notice that the young are generally less unwilling to die than the middle-aged and old" (Lewis 154-155).  

Our enemy isn't uncomfortability and we can't use it as a scapegoat for our own sinfulness. Our response to newfound sin as a result of more difficult and uncomfortable circumstances should not be, "I need to remove myself from these circumstances so I can be the Christian I used to be!" 

Instead, we have a more subtle enemy, one that creeps in and kills us before we ever realized what was happening. Our enemy is comfortability--a comfortability in life, a comfortability with our sin (or our perceived lack of it), and a comfortability with where we are at with God. 

This is not to mean that we should seek out suffering or intentionally walk into challenges in order to be sanctified. These things inevitably come. The point is when these circumstances come, because they will, and not just once or twice in our lives, but over and over again, that we don't flee from them, or treat them like the enemy to be avoided at all costs. 

It means embracing the circumstance for what it is, and thanking the Lord that he is using it to sanctify you, rather than allowing you to stay in the rut of unperceived sin. 

It means finally doing that thing God has been prompting your heart to do for many years, but you keep pushing away because you know it will make life very uncomfortable for a while.  

Do I think everyone needs to move to Brazil and be a missionary in order to be sanctified? Absolutely not. Some of you are quicker learners than I am. 

Now, I wouldn't venture to say that the only reason God brought me here was to make me uncomfortable and sanctify me, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say that was one of the many reasons he brought me here. 

I think we all have one or many things that God has laid on our hearts whether that be confronting someone who is living in sin, whether it be confessing sin and seeking forgiveness from someone, or whether it is making a dramatic job or life change, whether it be ending a relationship, or whether it is any number of things that will flip a comfortable status quo and make things uncomfortable and painful for a time. 

Why do we put off these things for so long, when intellectually we know that in the long run, we when we finally obey, we will be glad we did, and even lament how long we put off obedience? 

Because we know uncomfortablility is hard, and unfortunately comfortability is easy. 

And again, intellectually we know that what is easy is not what is best for us, but time and time again the lines between our heart and mind don't always connect and it becomes hard to convince our hearts that what is really needs right now is a big dose of uncomfortability.  

I want to give a final note of encouragement to anyone who also might be walking in similar shoes as me right now. You feel like one big knotted mess of sin and you look back at a more virtuous version of yourself and wonder how it all went wrong. You feel like your circumstances have made you into a worse version of yourself. 

I urge you not to believe that. There isn't anything you are displaying now that wasn't already in your heart. I know that might not feel encouraging but I promise it is. It is encouraging because it proves you aren't someone else, but the same person just a little bit more aware of their need for God's grace. 

And God in his abundant love has allowed you to end your ignorance in a certain area. And God in his abundant love is giving you an opportunity to repent and become more like him. 

Not everyone is given this opportunity, don't waste it. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

Love, 

S

It's Just What I Prayed For, Thaaaanks

There I was just minding my own, in the midst of the pity party that I promptly penciled in for 2 p.m. Music was playing lightly in the background of my mind, and I could just barely make out the lyrics: "Poor me", "This is so unfair", you know, typical pity party tunes. Then, just when the beat was dropping, I heard a knock on my door. There standing in front of me was a memory from nine months ago, incredulously blinking at me. 

"Hey, not to be a stick in the mud or anything, I know you're having a great time and all, but you DID pray for this like, I don't know, like not even a year ago. Anyway, can I use your bathroom?" 

Cut the music. Party's over. 

Isn't that just the way it always goes? We pray for patience, humility, self-control, or any number of the fruits of the spirit, always forgetting we are at the same time praying for the painful and uncomfortable circumstances that will sanctify us to reap more of that fruit. 

I remember before I ever stepped foot on the mission field, I was praying that the Lord would protect my heart from pride. I had read stories of pastors, missionaries, and those in other positions of ministry ruining a great church, a great mission, and a great ministry with pride. 

Something that once started out as an outflow of love became a pedestal to stand on.  

I remember journaling about many verses in the Bible that talk about doing something for the wrong reasons or with the wrong heart attitude (Matthew 6:1, Matthew 6:3-4, Matthew 6:6, Matthew 6:17-18).

I remember journaling that if I gave up family, friends, country, and comfort all for the wrong reasons then, in God's eyes, it amounted to nothing. I could have just as well stayed home. 

It wasn't easy to leave home. It wasn't easy to say goodbye to everyone I knew and loved. It wasn't easy to step out in blind faith. What a waste of YEARS of my life if I ruined it with my pride. 

I didn't want to come to the end of my life to have God tell me that actions I convinced myself were for the glory of God chalked up to diddly-squat because they were all motivated by the desire to be praised. 

I knew, especially in the Christian world, how easy it is to place missionaries in the category of super-Christians, and I also knew how easy it could be to listen to that praise and then really start to believe that I was something spectacular, and so I prayed that God would help keep me humble. 

Bless my heart, right?

And so, I realized that circumstances I was allowing myself to throw a pity party for, circumstances that I don't like and aren't easy, are humbling me. I realized that God was giving me exactly what I prayed for. 

I am, embarrassingly still in the process of reading the book by Lou Priolo I mentioned a few blogs ago, "People Pleasing: How not to be an 'approval junkie.'"

The other night I was reading a few chapters before bed and the section I read spoke right to the situation I was in and knocked the wind out of me at the same time. The section was on when you feel like your reputation has been hurt. And what really sealed the sucker punch was when he talked about how we respond in our thoughts and emotions when this happens. 

"When your reputation has been damaged, it's easy to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to repair it. Some people are so worried about protecting their reputations that at the slightest hint that someone may have said something bad about them, they go into spin control (e.g., calling people in an attempt to assess the damage, going to other extreme measures to correct misinformation, letting the word out that the rumor was not true, or speaking evil about those who had besmirched their good names). I love what the psalmist did when proud people tried to tarnish his reputation: 'The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts' (Ps.119:69)" (Priolo 181).   

Is it devastating when your reputation has been hurt? Do you feel the need to win back the good favor of those around you? Do you have a strong desire to correct the misunderstandings and tell everyone your side, whether that desire makes it way to actually creating an action, or just stays in your heart?

Congratulations, you dirty rotten sinner, you have pride!!

I knew and believed that God was sovereign and was my defender (see last blog), but the connection of my brain to my heart was still a little bit of an unstable connection. Some days I felt peace and assurance, other days completely alone and like everything would magically get better if everyone thought well of me.

In my mind, the grand, glittery, sparkly, and capital letter S "Solution" was people seeing the truth about me. The remedy was a restored good favor of people. And while I had placed that in God's hands to do in his own timing, it seemed like my job was just to sit and twiddle my thumbs until he made it around to answering my prayer. 

And in that exact moment, the Holy Spirt showed me the ONLY remedy was ME becoming HUMBLE. 

What a humiliating realization. 

There is no shortage of places in the Bible that talk about pride and the necessity for humility: 

"Everyone who has an arrogant heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished" (Proverbs 16:5). 

"When the Lord has finished all his work on Mount Zion and on Jerusalem, he will punish the speech of the arrogant heart of the king of Assyria and the boastful look in his eyes" (Isaiah 10:12). 

"Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure" (Psalm 101:5). 

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). 

And if that isn't enough, Proverbs 6:16-19 lists the six things the Lord hates and the very first thing on that list is haughty eyes, or pride.  

So how do we choose humility when pride is so deeply ingrained in us?

Priolo lists 4 ways you can "clothe yourself with humility."

1. Give your reputation to God 

"The Greek word, kinosis, means 'to make empty.' The question is, 'of what exactly did Christ empty Himself?' The Authorized and New King James translations focus on Christ's reputation, saying of Him that He 'made Himself of no reputation.' Of course, Christ gave up much more than his reputation when he took on human form, but He was willing to humble Himself, giving up the glory he had previously had with God the Father. A proud person is one who has made an idol of his own reputation. Now, even a humble person may desire to do lawful things that will establish for himself 'a good name' for the cause of Christ. But he gives his reputation to the Lord, knowing that he may choose, for a season, to blemish that reputation so that, in the long run, the cause of Christ may be advanced" (Priolo 180). 

2. Redirect praise back to God and to those individuals whom God has used to help you accomplish your achievements

"If the essence of humility is the realization that God (and others) is responsible for one's achievements, it follows that a humble person will not take credit for things he did not do. Instead, he will see to it that those who are responsible for the good deeds will be given their proper credit" (Priolo 182). 

3. Associate with the humble 

"Romans 12:16 says in part, 'Do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.' On what basis do you choose your friends? A people-pleaser chooses a friend largely based on how such friend might improve his reputation. Are you willing to develop friendships with those individuals who, on one hand, can model genuine humility and, on the other hand, can do very little to enhance your social standing? If not, you are out of step with this verse" (Priolo 182-183). 

4. Be a servant 

"A servant's heart is an attitude that seeks to serve others--not for selfish reasons such as a desire to impress people (so that they'll like you) or a fear that if they are not coddled they will reject you, but for their good and for God's glory. It's a spirit of wanting to do what is best for others in light of eternity. It's giving without expecting anything back from anyone. It is serving, knowing your reward for such service will be given to you not by man, but by God--not necessarily in this life, but in the next one. So if you learn to serve others not for self-exaltation, but because you love God and neighbor, you just might find a whole new joy in serving that you have heretofore never known" (Priolo 194). 

And so, my prayer is each day we may small steps to clothe ourselves with humility. I'll be right there with you groggy-eyed and sluggish trying to yank my humility blouse over my un-brushed bed-head, but I will be there.    

You are loved and you are not alone. 

Love, 

S