Comfortable Sinfulness, Uncomfortable Sanctification

My two older sisters and I pouting on the couch circa 1999

I spent my college summers working at Achaius Ranch, a nonprofit horse ranch about 20 minutes from where I lived. The ranch worked with rescued horses and provided free sessions to kids from all over the city. 

The ranch had a motto, and since it has been three years since my summers on the ranch, I cannot remember it perfectly, but the main idea was that learning happens outside your comfort zone. 

In order to learn a new skill, you have to step outside of your comfort zone, challenge your fears, and test your limits. This principle was applied to the horses, to the kids we worked with, and especially to ourselves. 

I found myself reflecting on this the other day when a thought crossed my mind that I was a lot less of an irritable and impatient person before I moved to Brazil. 

From one dirty rotten sinner to the next, can I just tell you that God has been showing me a lot of my sin lately? And just between you and me, can I admit that I felt a whole lot better about myself before he did?

God has revealed impatience where before I would have described myself as someone with a long fuse. He has revealed irritability where I would have described myself as laid-back and easy-going. He has revealed an abundance of pride that I wasn't aware was there. He has revealed a lack of love for others, where before I would have said that loving people was one the easiest things in the world for me to do. 

Why the discrepancy? Have I become more sinful since becoming a missionary?  

No. I have simply become uncomfortable. 

Here's the thing, we can all do a pretty good job keeping ourselves in check when we are comfortable. It requires much less effort to be easy-going and laid-back when there are minimal outside stressors. It's easy to have an abundance of patience and love for others when pretty much everything else in our lives is comfortable. 

I am not saying my life before didn't have problems or stress, but there were stressors that I didn't have before such as language differences, cultural differences, weather differences, community differences, and a number of small things that I never had to think about. 

I also want to make a note that the word "stressor" doesn't have a fundamentally negative connotation, it simply implies something that requires more attention and patience. 

So I don't want to confuse something being "stressful" with something having "stressors"-- Brazil isn't a "stressful" place to live, but it is full of "stressors" that I didn't have before. 

I love living in Brazil. I love the people here. I love the food. I love the other missionaries. I am so grateful that the Lord has brought me here and is allowing me to serve him here. With that being said, it is discouraging to look back on the person I was before I moved here and feel like that person was a better Christian than I am now.

But you do want to know the worst kept secret? The sin God has been revealing in my heart now was always there, it was just easier to hide when things were comfortable.  

When we step outside of our comfort zones, new stressors cause buried sin to bubble to the surface, which makes us realize what's in our heart and our need to deal with it, bringing us to repentance, and allowing God to make us more like him. 

So it could also be said that sanctification happens outside our comfort zones. 

Philippians 1:6 says: "And I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

That "good work" referred to here is the work of sanctification--the process of making us uncomfortable, revealing sin, leading us to repentance, and causing us to live differently over and over until we die. 

Sound exhausting? Yeah, sure, but the latter is worse. 

C.S. Lewis in his book The Screwtape Letters writes about a fictional world through a series of letters between senior demon Screwtape, and his nephew and junior tempter, Wormwood. The two demons have been assigned to a British man, only known as "the patient" who has recently become a Christian. The two demons write letters back and forth, corresponding on how well they are doing at destroying the man's faith by putting obstacles in his walk with Christ. The demons refer to God as "The Enemy" 

"But, if only he can be kept alive, you have time itself for your ally. The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather. You see, it is so hard for these creatures to persevere. The routine of adversity, the gradual decay of youthful loves and youthful hopes, the quiet despair (hardly felt as pain) of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which we have again and again defeated them, the drabness which we create in their lives and the inarticulate resentment with which we teach them to respond to it--all this provides admirable opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition. If, on the other hand, the middle years prove prosperous, our position is even stronger. Prosperity knits a man to the World. He feels that he is 'finding his place in it,' while really it is finding its place in him. His increasing reputation, his widening circle of acquaintances, his sense of importance, the growing pressure of absorbing and agreeable work, build up in him a sense of being really at home in earth, which is just what we want. You will notice that the young are generally less unwilling to die than the middle-aged and old" (Lewis 154-155).  

Our enemy isn't uncomfortability and we can't use it as a scapegoat for our own sinfulness. Our response to newfound sin as a result of more difficult and uncomfortable circumstances should not be, "I need to remove myself from these circumstances so I can be the Christian I used to be!" 

Instead, we have a more subtle enemy, one that creeps in and kills us before we ever realized what was happening. Our enemy is comfortability--a comfortability in life, a comfortability with our sin (or our perceived lack of it), and a comfortability with where we are at with God. 

This is not to mean that we should seek out suffering or intentionally walk into challenges in order to be sanctified. These things inevitably come. The point is when these circumstances come, because they will, and not just once or twice in our lives, but over and over again, that we don't flee from them, or treat them like the enemy to be avoided at all costs. 

It means embracing the circumstance for what it is, and thanking the Lord that he is using it to sanctify you, rather than allowing you to stay in the rut of unperceived sin. 

It means finally doing that thing God has been prompting your heart to do for many years, but you keep pushing away because you know it will make life very uncomfortable for a while.  

Do I think everyone needs to move to Brazil and be a missionary in order to be sanctified? Absolutely not. Some of you are quicker learners than I am. 

Now, I wouldn't venture to say that the only reason God brought me here was to make me uncomfortable and sanctify me, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say that was one of the many reasons he brought me here. 

I think we all have one or many things that God has laid on our hearts whether that be confronting someone who is living in sin, whether it be confessing sin and seeking forgiveness from someone, or whether it is making a dramatic job or life change, whether it be ending a relationship, or whether it is any number of things that will flip a comfortable status quo and make things uncomfortable and painful for a time. 

Why do we put off these things for so long, when intellectually we know that in the long run, we when we finally obey, we will be glad we did, and even lament how long we put off obedience? 

Because we know uncomfortablility is hard, and unfortunately comfortability is easy. 

And again, intellectually we know that what is easy is not what is best for us, but time and time again the lines between our heart and mind don't always connect and it becomes hard to convince our hearts that what is really needs right now is a big dose of uncomfortability.  

I want to give a final note of encouragement to anyone who also might be walking in similar shoes as me right now. You feel like one big knotted mess of sin and you look back at a more virtuous version of yourself and wonder how it all went wrong. You feel like your circumstances have made you into a worse version of yourself. 

I urge you not to believe that. There isn't anything you are displaying now that wasn't already in your heart. I know that might not feel encouraging but I promise it is. It is encouraging because it proves you aren't someone else, but the same person just a little bit more aware of their need for God's grace. 

And God in his abundant love has allowed you to end your ignorance in a certain area. And God in his abundant love is giving you an opportunity to repent and become more like him. 

Not everyone is given this opportunity, don't waste it. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

Love, 

S

It's Just What I Prayed For, Thaaaanks

There I was just minding my own, in the midst of the pity party that I promptly penciled in for 2 p.m. Music was playing lightly in the background of my mind, and I could just barely make out the lyrics: "Poor me", "This is so unfair", you know, typical pity party tunes. Then, just when the beat was dropping, I heard a knock on my door. There standing in front of me was a memory from nine months ago, incredulously blinking at me. 

"Hey, not to be a stick in the mud or anything, I know you're having a great time and all, but you DID pray for this like, I don't know, like not even a year ago. Anyway, can I use your bathroom?" 

Cut the music. Party's over. 

Isn't that just the way it always goes? We pray for patience, humility, self-control, or any number of the fruits of the spirit, always forgetting we are at the same time praying for the painful and uncomfortable circumstances that will sanctify us to reap more of that fruit. 

I remember before I ever stepped foot on the mission field, I was praying that the Lord would protect my heart from pride. I had read stories of pastors, missionaries, and those in other positions of ministry ruining a great church, a great mission, and a great ministry with pride. 

Something that once started out as an outflow of love became a pedestal to stand on.  

I remember journaling about many verses in the Bible that talk about doing something for the wrong reasons or with the wrong heart attitude (Matthew 6:1, Matthew 6:3-4, Matthew 6:6, Matthew 6:17-18).

I remember journaling that if I gave up family, friends, country, and comfort all for the wrong reasons then, in God's eyes, it amounted to nothing. I could have just as well stayed home. 

It wasn't easy to leave home. It wasn't easy to say goodbye to everyone I knew and loved. It wasn't easy to step out in blind faith. What a waste of YEARS of my life if I ruined it with my pride. 

I didn't want to come to the end of my life to have God tell me that actions I convinced myself were for the glory of God chalked up to diddly-squat because they were all motivated by the desire to be praised. 

I knew, especially in the Christian world, how easy it is to place missionaries in the category of super-Christians, and I also knew how easy it could be to listen to that praise and then really start to believe that I was something spectacular, and so I prayed that God would help keep me humble. 

Bless my heart, right?

And so, I realized that circumstances I was allowing myself to throw a pity party for, circumstances that I don't like and aren't easy, are humbling me. I realized that God was giving me exactly what I prayed for. 

I am, embarrassingly still in the process of reading the book by Lou Priolo I mentioned a few blogs ago, "People Pleasing: How not to be an 'approval junkie.'"

The other night I was reading a few chapters before bed and the section I read spoke right to the situation I was in and knocked the wind out of me at the same time. The section was on when you feel like your reputation has been hurt. And what really sealed the sucker punch was when he talked about how we respond in our thoughts and emotions when this happens. 

"When your reputation has been damaged, it's easy to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to repair it. Some people are so worried about protecting their reputations that at the slightest hint that someone may have said something bad about them, they go into spin control (e.g., calling people in an attempt to assess the damage, going to other extreme measures to correct misinformation, letting the word out that the rumor was not true, or speaking evil about those who had besmirched their good names). I love what the psalmist did when proud people tried to tarnish his reputation: 'The arrogant have forged a lie against me; with all my heart I will observe Your precepts' (Ps.119:69)" (Priolo 181).   

Is it devastating when your reputation has been hurt? Do you feel the need to win back the good favor of those around you? Do you have a strong desire to correct the misunderstandings and tell everyone your side, whether that desire makes it way to actually creating an action, or just stays in your heart?

Congratulations, you dirty rotten sinner, you have pride!!

I knew and believed that God was sovereign and was my defender (see last blog), but the connection of my brain to my heart was still a little bit of an unstable connection. Some days I felt peace and assurance, other days completely alone and like everything would magically get better if everyone thought well of me.

In my mind, the grand, glittery, sparkly, and capital letter S "Solution" was people seeing the truth about me. The remedy was a restored good favor of people. And while I had placed that in God's hands to do in his own timing, it seemed like my job was just to sit and twiddle my thumbs until he made it around to answering my prayer. 

And in that exact moment, the Holy Spirt showed me the ONLY remedy was ME becoming HUMBLE. 

What a humiliating realization. 

There is no shortage of places in the Bible that talk about pride and the necessity for humility: 

"Everyone who has an arrogant heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished" (Proverbs 16:5). 

"When the Lord has finished all his work on Mount Zion and on Jerusalem, he will punish the speech of the arrogant heart of the king of Assyria and the boastful look in his eyes" (Isaiah 10:12). 

"Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure" (Psalm 101:5). 

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). 

And if that isn't enough, Proverbs 6:16-19 lists the six things the Lord hates and the very first thing on that list is haughty eyes, or pride.  

So how do we choose humility when pride is so deeply ingrained in us?

Priolo lists 4 ways you can "clothe yourself with humility."

1. Give your reputation to God 

"The Greek word, kinosis, means 'to make empty.' The question is, 'of what exactly did Christ empty Himself?' The Authorized and New King James translations focus on Christ's reputation, saying of Him that He 'made Himself of no reputation.' Of course, Christ gave up much more than his reputation when he took on human form, but He was willing to humble Himself, giving up the glory he had previously had with God the Father. A proud person is one who has made an idol of his own reputation. Now, even a humble person may desire to do lawful things that will establish for himself 'a good name' for the cause of Christ. But he gives his reputation to the Lord, knowing that he may choose, for a season, to blemish that reputation so that, in the long run, the cause of Christ may be advanced" (Priolo 180). 

2. Redirect praise back to God and to those individuals whom God has used to help you accomplish your achievements

"If the essence of humility is the realization that God (and others) is responsible for one's achievements, it follows that a humble person will not take credit for things he did not do. Instead, he will see to it that those who are responsible for the good deeds will be given their proper credit" (Priolo 182). 

3. Associate with the humble 

"Romans 12:16 says in part, 'Do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.' On what basis do you choose your friends? A people-pleaser chooses a friend largely based on how such friend might improve his reputation. Are you willing to develop friendships with those individuals who, on one hand, can model genuine humility and, on the other hand, can do very little to enhance your social standing? If not, you are out of step with this verse" (Priolo 182-183). 

4. Be a servant 

"A servant's heart is an attitude that seeks to serve others--not for selfish reasons such as a desire to impress people (so that they'll like you) or a fear that if they are not coddled they will reject you, but for their good and for God's glory. It's a spirit of wanting to do what is best for others in light of eternity. It's giving without expecting anything back from anyone. It is serving, knowing your reward for such service will be given to you not by man, but by God--not necessarily in this life, but in the next one. So if you learn to serve others not for self-exaltation, but because you love God and neighbor, you just might find a whole new joy in serving that you have heretofore never known" (Priolo 194). 

And so, my prayer is each day we may small steps to clothe ourselves with humility. I'll be right there with you groggy-eyed and sluggish trying to yank my humility blouse over my un-brushed bed-head, but I will be there.    

You are loved and you are not alone. 

Love, 

S

It's Just a Cliché, Until It's Not

Clichés are one of the seven deadly sins of a writer. 

Clichés are phrases that have been so overused throughout the years that have lost all meaning and impact, and if your writing is full of phrases like "there is always a silver lining" and "everything happens for a reason" and "you have to learn to dance in the rain" your writing will sound empty and scripted. 

One of the most profound lessons I learned in my poetry writing workshops was how to say what I wanted without using clichés, and how to create new emotions and images in a reader's head, instead of running to an overused image or idea that may or may not really get across what I want to communicate.

Clichés are also one of the seven deadly sins of Christian counseling. 

You go in with good intentions of helping someone through grief or discouragement or a challenging season and you end up only sounding like a dollar store greeting card. 

I've heard many people in the midst of something difficult say things like: "If one more person tells me that God is in control I'm going to lose it" or "I don't want to hear that he's in a better place right now" or "It's for the best? Really? Does it look like this is for the best?" 

Those Christian catchphrases, while easy to whip out, are not always helpful to someone going through pain.

The irony of it all is that those phrases are completely and 100% true. God is in control. If that person was a believer, they are in a better place. Everything is for God's glory and his plan (which is the best). 

A couple weeks ago, I sat on my couch hurt, confused and angry. Just moments before a situation exploded like a bombshell. 

I was being blamed for things I knew nothing about. Conversations I weren't involved in or given a chance to clarify were brought up. My character, my integrity and my honesty were being called into question. I looked like a liar, a deceiver, and a manipulator. Four eyes were staring at me waiting for an explanation and I had no words. 

No breath, even. 

I had a clean conscience. I had no lied to, deceived or manipulated anyone. I had made decisions with time and care, with confirmation from the Lord, with prayer and wisdom, with respect for those in my authority.

But conclusions and judgements about me had already been formed, and I could see the skepticism in the furrowed brows of those in front of me while I fumbled over my words, trying to make sense of what was happening. 

I was reduced down to nothing more than a child in trouble. 

But it was in the midst of the pain buzzing loudly in my ears like a swarm of angry bees that a cliché, of all things, came to mind.   

"God is sovereign"

And that overused, cheesy and unassuming cliché brought peace.  

And I realized that clichés are only clichés until God allows us to feel the depth of their truth for the first time. And then all of a sudden, they are not cliché at all. They are profound. They are a lifeline when you feel like you are drowning. They are what get you through one day to the next.  

I have known and believed in God's sovereignty my entire Christian life. I have known God is in control of the entire universe and has the power to change the hearts of men, alter the course of history forever, and answer every single prayer I offer up.  

But for some reason those overused phrases of "God is in control", "God is sovereign" and "He's using this for good" touched my heart in a brand new way. 

I want to make a quick but very important side note that the details of the situation and the people involved in the situation are not important. I want to make it clear that the desire of my heart is not to cause any hurt by sharing this situation, but only to communicate the power of the Holy Spirit who gave me peace despite a difficult circumstance, and the details I share are only intended to show the depth of that work. 

I know many of you have probably been on both sides of a situation like this and can understand how complex an issue like this can be, and how much it can hurt to be the one having to accuse and the one receiving accusations. Many times, there isn't a good guy or a bad guy or a right side or a wrong side, there are just normal people and their feelings. We are all sinful, and we all have faults, and we are all limited by our perspective and personal biases.  

I am not in the business of heart, intention or motive reading. I can't read a person's heart or thoughts or hidden agendas. I don't know the intentions of anyone. I have forgiven everyone involved and am daily working on having a heart posture of joy and thankfulness in spite of what happened. And so please understand there are no villains here and no victims. God is simply using a situation outside of my control to make me more like him.  

This past week I have been listening to Sovereign Over Us  by The Worship Initiative. Some of the lyrics are as follows: 

"your plans are still to prosper/ you have not forgotten us/ you're with us in the fire and the flood/ you're faithful forever/ perfect in love/ you are sovereign over us/ even what the enemy means for evil/ you turn it for our good/ you turn it for our good and your glory/ even in the valley you are faithful/ you're working for our good/ you're working for our good and your glory"

Those truths come from the book of Genesis in the story of Joseph. When Joseph meets his brothers again for the first time since they sold him into slavery many years ago Joseph responds--not in anger toward them for hurting him, treating him unjustly, and attempting to ruin his life--but with grace and love. 

"But Joseph said to them, 'do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today'" (Genesis 50:19-20). 

We see this same truth in the story of Jesus' crucifixion, where Judas' sin and attempts to kill Jesus and destroy his ministry instead brought about salvation for all of mankind and sent the disciples out declaring the gospel to the ends of the earth. 

We see this truth in the persecution of the Christians after Jesus' death. The attempts to stomp out the Christian faith by killing anyone who professed to believe only caused the faith to spread like a wildfire, taking the faith wherever the Christians dispersed. 

This doesn't justify the sin of Joseph's brothers, of Judas or of those who persecuted Christians following Jesus' death. This doesn't mean that God was pleased with the sin or didn't think it was so bad since it helped accomplish his plans. God despises sin and that doesn't stop being true at any point in history. 

God doesn't have an "the end justifies the means" mentality. 

During the last supper, Jesus revealed that one of the twelve disciples would betray him. "For the Son of Man goes as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born" (Mark 14:21). 

Judas was still condemned for his sin even though it took Jesus to the cross and accomplished salvation for all of creation. 

A second cliché came to mind almost instantly after the first: 

"The Lord is my defender" 

And it was only by the power of the Holy Spirit that he allowed me to listen without getting angry, without interrupting, without feeling the need to "prove myself." 

It was only by the power of the Holy Spirit that I was able to sit and humble myself under narrative about who I was, what my intentions were, and what the motivations of my heart were. 

It was only by the power of the Holy Spirit that I allowed myself to be painted into something that I wasn't.  

Why? 

Because I know the things said about me were not true. I know how I was painted is not accurate and I believe God will reveal this in time. 

I don't need to scream or cry or make reckless angry decisions because this won't accomplish anything. I don't need to frantically try to clarify, scrub my name, or change the narrative in others' heads about me because frankly that's not my job. 

I will not defend myself over things that aren't true, because things that aren't true never stand the test of time and the only thing I need to do is exactly what I have been doing--serving God, loving others, and being faithful with what I have been entrusted. 

Is this easy by any stretch of the imagination? Is it easy to walk around knowing people are whispering about you? Believing things that aren't true to your character? 

Of course not. 

It hurts when others say and believe untrue things about you. It hurts knowing your reputation could be unfairly hurt over these things. It hurts to feel like trust has been broken. 

I watched a really cheesy Christian movie a few weekends ago. You know exactly the type I am talking about, but there was a line in that movie that has continued to stick with me. 

One man was talking to another man about what he needed to do in order to live his life right. The other man retorted: "It's not that simple!" And what did the first man say in response? 

"It is that simple. It's just difficult." 

The simple truth is that we forgive--in action and in heart. We forgive and refuse to dwell on the hurt so that we are not tempted to store up bitterness in our hearts. 

Hebrews 12:14 says: "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." 

Refusing to forgive by dwelling and storing up bitterness is sin. And no matter how justified or understandable our hurt is, we cannot allow it to justify us sinning in response. 

The simple truth is that standing righteously in front of a Holy God is sufficient. 

We answer to God at the end of the day, at the end of our life. Not to anyone else. Not our friends. Not the people in our church. Not those in our authority. Not our family. God and God alone. 

God is the judge of your heart. Others can misunderstand and misjudge your heart, but that doesn't change what God sees. We strive for holiness and obedience not so that others see that, recognize that and praise us for that, but so that we can stand holy and blameless before a righteous God. 

God is not wasting your pain, he is sovereign over it and he is working it all out for your good and his glory. A little cliché? Maybe, but all the best truths are. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S 

The God of Seasons

If you have spoken Christian-ese for any amount of time, you have heard other Christians, or maybe yourself, talk about "spiritual seasons." 

This verbiage is so well known that it shows up in countless Christian songs. A few of my favorites songs that talk about this specifically are Seasons by Tracy Nitschke, Let the Ground Rest by Chris Renzema, and Not in a Hurry by Will Reagan, United Pursuit.

But for as much in my Christian life that I have heard about, learned about, and talked about spiritual seasons, I think my understanding was base at best. 

You see, before, I thought spiritual seasons were just sort of random. Kind of like the weather in Indiana in April--sometimes it snows, sometimes it rains, sometimes it's 70 degrees and you get a sunburn. I didn't see much of a rhyme or reason as to why certain seasons were times full of gut-wrenching pain and others overflowing with blessings, why certain seasons were full of tremendous spiritual growth, and why others were dry and lifeless. 

I knew God had a purpose behind the season I was in. I believed he ordained it, was in control of it and it was ultimately for the good of my sanctification and for his glory. Yes, yes, I believed all of that. I don't say random to mean pointless or trivial but simply that the order is not important.  

But what I failed to notice before, and what I am finally starting to notice now, is the deliberate and logical way seasons come and go. There is a rhyme and reason why the season you are in now came after the one you were in before, and the season you are in right now is preparing you for the season you will soon be in. 

Maybe this seems obvious. Maybe I am just a little dense, but this realization was pretty profound for me. 

The season I was in before the one I am in now was one the most incredible seasons, specifically because of the community I had during that time. The season before that one was completely empty of community. Now I find myself, not totally in want of community, but with far less community than I had last season. 

A few days ago I asked my mom to pray for deeper friendships and a stronger sense of community here. I also shared with her how the girl I felt like I was finally creating a real friendship with might be moving away in the next year. 

She expressed her discouragement for me and how she didn't understand why after such a difficult season in college trying to find a Christian community, and then finally getting it when I moved back home, I had to reenter a season of struggling to find community. 

It wasn't until that moment that the pieces clicked. I responded to my mom that maybe the reason I had that community that I did was so that I would be filled up enough to endure this season without as much community. 

And the more I thought about that, the more little things I began to realize. I realized that during my time living in Crawfordsville I had much more free time. I was able to spend hours studying the Bible, I read a bajillion books (a lot of them were Christian books, challenging books, and books about ministry and missions), I had access to tons of mentors, spiritual leaders, and resources. 

It could be easy for me to look back on that season of my life and think had I not had it so good during that time, the season I am in now would be easier somehow because I wouldn't know any different. If I had just gone from little to no community in college to trying to build community here, it might be easier because it's what I had always known. 

But God specifically wanted me to experience that type of community, that type of growth, that type of being poured into before coming here where building relationships would be set to a snail's pace trying to learn a new language and new culture and find my place in a new city, a new church and a new environment so different than the one I was used to. 

And I truly do believe that the Lord was filling up my cup, brimming and overflowing, to give me everything I would need for this new season of my life. 

Now, I don't want to give a false impression of my life right now. I am not suffering by any stretch of the imagination. I have a very good life here. I have a wonderful guy I get to date. I have familiar faces in Bible study and English classes that are beginning to feel like friends. I have a puppy that gives me a lot of joy despite causing me to lose my patience 47 times a day. I am beginning to cultivate stronger relationships with the women in small groups and within the church. 

I also want to say I know it won't always be this way. I know with more time, more fluency, and more intentionality, I will begin to have the community and deep relationships I so crave. 

And even though I know all of this logically, I still feel lonely. I still feel like I am not really connecting. I still feel like I am on the outside looking in. I still feel like friendships that go past the surface level are just out of reach. 

And I think it's beautiful that I have a God who knows that I shouldn't feel this way, but knows that I do anyway and knew that I would before ever coming here. He knew that making deep connections here would prove more difficult than I was used to and so he made sure to fill up my cup before I left. 

He knew I would be busy here, that I would feel overwhelmed at times, that I would often feel there weren't enough hours in that day, and that simple and quick tasks would become difficult and time-consuming. He knew I wouldn't be able to spend two hours every day reading my Bible and journaling out my prayers and finishing a new book every month, so he allowed the last season I was in to be full of that. 

And how cool that my seasons in college taught me to be content when it's just me and God. 

The words of Philippians 4:11-13 come to mind: "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." 

And so I know how to live with and without. I know how to drain my bank account every semester for college and I know how to live comfortably without worrying about paying bills. I know how to have joy and purpose single and I am starting to learn how to have joy dating. 

And maybe that's one of the lesser realized purposes of seasons. Because when we are able to walk through the best and the worst seasons we realize that through the strength and spirit of God, we can learn to be content no matter what the season. 

And the ugly flip-side of that coin is that we can learn to be discontent no matter what the season too. 

And so, as corny or cliché as it probably sounds, we get to choose contentment in this season. Because like all seasons, it's only here for a time. I know soon I will find myself in a new season and it might be harder than the season I am in now, or maybe easier, who knows. 

But you know what I do know? That the seasons of my life that I have been the most overcome with thankfulness and gratitude and joy have not been the ones that have been the most comfortable, the easiest or the ones that looked the best on the outside--they have been the ones that I looked only to God to give me satisfaction, peace, joy, and contentment. 

I also have a somewhat unorthodox opinion that going through unimaginable pain makes the rest of the trials of life that come your way much easier simply because nothing can compare to that. 

I have walked through deep griefs and sorrows and I am still here. I came out on the other side of that season. And not to say I have already gone through the worst seasons of my life (no matter what I say when I am feeling melodramatic and moody) but I have already walked through the hardest seasons I have ever known in my 24 years. 

And if I can learn to be content in those seasons, I can definitely be content now. 

I am thankful for this season. I will be thankful when it ends. I am thankful for what I am learning now. I will be thankful for what this will prepare me for in the next season. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S

How Ministry Can Tempt Us Into Perfectionism

 

I've never really considered myself as someone tempted by perfectionism. 

The best example I can give of this is the fact that I didn't graduate college with a 4.0. I loved school and learning and I would have loved to have graduated with a 4.0, but I didn't need a 4.0. I didn't feel like an utter failure unworthy of love without a 4.0. 

In my mind, the baseline criteria for being a perfectionist was graduating with a 4.0. 

But later I realized that the ruler I used to determine this was completely focused on what I could outwardly measure, and I completely failed to see that perfectionism is measured by the attitude of my heart and not how organized I am, how high my grades are, or how well I exercise discipline over my body. 

I recently started reading a book titled: "Pleasing People: How Not to be an Approval Junkie" by Lou Priolo. 

This blog could very well have been titled: "How Ministry Can Tempt Us Into People-Pleasing" because people-pleasing and perfectionism have a sister bond--a bond that runs its root into the deep soil of pride. 

Again, being a people-pleaser was not something I felt I struggled with. I knew how to say no, and how to be honest about what I thought and felt. I knew how to approach hard conversations and speak painful truths in love. I didn't feel like I was a slave to the approval of other people.  

But just like perfectionism, people-pleasing can be subtle, sneaky, and blinding. 

And what can begin as subtle, sneaky, and blinding can quickly become overt in the context of ministry because ministry is one of the few unique occupations where achieving a standard of perfection or pleasing those around you can sometimes feel like the unspoken expectation.  

While I have never worried about pleasing everyone around me at all times regardless of the emotional or mental or spiritual cost to me (a common people-pleaser stereotype), I have always cared about meeting or exceeding the expectations of those in my authority. Normally, in a 9-5 work situation, that person is reduced down to one or two people. But in ministry, and strictly speaking from my personal experience as a missionary, that person winds up being a lot of different people. 

I have the other missionaries on my field who have authority over me and seniority in all things missions-related. Meeting their expectations and creating a good working environment is something I care very much about doing. I don't want them to regret inviting me to join them on the field.  

Then I have those higher up in ABWE that I report to on a semi-regular basis about my ministry, my progress with language learning, and my life here in Brazil. As their employee and newly appointed missionary in Brazil, making sure I meet their expectations is important for me to be able to continue doing what I am doing.   

Then there is my sending church Rock Point that stuck their neck out for me by telling ABWE: "Yes! We think this girl should be a missionary! We vouch for her and put our name on her!" And so showing Rock point that their act of faith on my part was not in vain is important to me. 

And then, because of the uniqueness of being a missionary supported through the willful donations of supporters, there is a fear that if supporters are not pleased with my work, my attitude, or any other number of things about me or what I am doing here that they will stop supporting me. 

Now, there is an element of all this that is good, normal, and even recommended. If I was not being held accountable to my organization, my bosses, my coworkers, and my supporters, I would be given free rein and it would be difficult to give others confidence in my faithfulness, as it would require them to just take my word for it. Little accountability with a lot of freedom is just a recipe to fall into sin. 

If I didn't care about pleasing my coworkers, my bosses or those supporting me at all, that would be another issue altogether. 

And so, I am not at all saying it shouldn't be this way. I am not saying that those in ministry should not try to please those to whom they are accountable. 

But life in ministry can sometimes feel like living under a microscope, like every aspect of your public and private life should be made available for speculation and public commentary. It can sometimes feel like you are not allowed to have bad days, dry spiritual seasons, or doubts. It can sometimes feel like you are being held on an impossible pedestal and it's only a matter of time until you disappoint the ones who put you there. 

In the past, I often would hear my pastor remind our congregation not to put him on a pedestal because he would only disappoint us if we did that. He challenged us to remember that God is the only one we can put on a pedestal like that. He told us that people will fail us every time: pastors will fail, missionaries will fail, the people we think of as superhero Christians will fail, and our faith might take a serious blow if the person we placed on that pedestal fails or walks away from the faith. 

And I can only imagine as the figure of authority and knowledge standing up and preaching every Sunday, pastors experience this kind of pressure for perfection and people-pleasing even stronger than I do. And so, I recognize this issue isn't one I experience in a vacuum. This is a widespread issue for Christians everywhere and especially those in roles of ministry and authority. 

And because this issue is so widesrpead, there are three camps I feel like we can fall into when we feel this pressure: 

The first is buckling under the pressure and becoming a slave to man rather than a slave to God. In this camp, the desire for a congregations' or supporter's or ministry organization's approval becomes so important that the person is willing to disobey or sin against God in order to stay in the good graces of people. The praise of people is an intoxicating idol that they are willing to do anything to continue receiving. 

"The inordinate fear of rejection also puts people-pleasers in bondage to man by so paralyzing them that they are diverted from fulfilling certain biblical responsibilities....several pastors I know believe what the Bible says about disciplining church members who continue in sin. Yet because of the fear of offending, some in the church or, worse, for fear of losing their jobs, they make dismal excuses for not confronting those in the congregation who need to be rescued and restored. Thus, like the rulers in the twelfth chapter of John who would not confess him for fear of being put out of the synagogue because 'they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God' (John 12:43), these pastors have been brought into bondage because of their fear" (Pleasing People: How Not to be an Approval Junkie, Lou Priolo, 55). 

The second camp is completely rejecting the pressure and making no effort to please. This results in an aggressive and combative attitude that is willing to pick fights over insignificant matters and is uncaring and harsh in how they deal with people suffering or in sin or in need of spiritual support. It results in an attitude of pride that says their only job is to please God, forgetting that part of pleasing God is loving others well and, at times, showing more love and grace than we feel like they deserve. 

"Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense either to Jews or Greeks or to the church of God; just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit but the profit of many, so that they may be saved. Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ" (1 Corinthians 10:27-11:1). 

The third camp is the healthiest but the hardest one to reach. This camp pleases people for the sake of showing love but knows that there will be times when they cannot please everyone or meet everyone's expectations and in those moments all the validation we need comes from God. This attitude knows that perfection isn't something they can reach and actively reminds people of that. It doesn't make an idol of the praise of people and isn't devastated when that praise stops coming. 

"Being a people-pleaser is like having a handle on your back that others can grab hold of and push you and pull you in all directions. Ironically, most of the time, they are unaware that they have such control over you. That's because it is you yourself who gives them this power. By God's grace, you can break off that handle and set yourself free from the control of others. Oh, to be sure, God wants you to serve others. But such God-pleasing service is to be done out of a love for your neighbor (a love that gives to his real needs), not out of a self-love that can't see his real needs because it is too concerned about its own wants" (Priolo 53)

And while I would have said that there were times before coming onto the mission field that I fell into the first camp, I would have said that most of the time I lived in the third camp. However, since coming onto the field, it feels like what used to be making occasional visits to the first camp has become an all out living arrangement. 

I have spent days crying and anxious because I feel like I am not the expectations for my Portuguese learning. I have moments of doubt and worry if I am doing enough in ministry, scared my coworkers secretly wish I pulled more weight. I have times of fear wondering if my supports think my life as a missionary looks like what they think it's supposed to. 

It feels like the bar is raised so high that it's only a matter of time until everyone is disappointed in me. And what has been a painful process to walk through is realizing this fear is really a manifestation of pride. My thoughts are wholly focused on making sure everyone continues to think well of me. My energy is focused on whether my name remains well spoken of. 

Does it matter to me more knowing I am living the lot God has set out for me? Does it matter that I know am trying to balance time in ministry, time in Portuguese learning, time in English teaching, and time for myself in a healthy way? Does it matter that even if I lose the good opinion of some people that my identity is still rooted and grounded in Christ and I don't need to go chasing after their approval and win it back?

I remember after a particularity hard conversation with someone whose opinion I highly valued. Because I valued their opinion so highly, I was overly sensitive to their facial expressions, tone and I read between the lines. That's on me. But I walked away from the conversation feeling like they didn't really think much of my judgment, which meant they didn't think much of me, which meant I had done something wrong that changed their opinion of me, which meant I needed to better explain myself so they could know their new perspective was wrong. 

In reality, all of this was only going on in my head. The other person, I realized later, probably didn't think any of those things. But a situation presented itself that threatened to jeopardize my pride and I went into survival mode. 

Later that night I read Mark chapter 3:

"Jesus entered a house, and the crowd gathered again so that they were not even able to eat. When his family heard this, they set out to restrain him, because they said, 'He's out of his mind.' The scribes who had come down from Jerusalem said, 'He is possessed by Beelzebul,' and 'He drives out demons by the ruler of the demons'" (Mark 3:21-22). 

The verses struck me in a way than they had never done in the past. Jesus' attitude struck me in a completely new way. The people saying these horrible things about Jesus were his family! The people who had grown up with him, seen him live sinless and perfect his whole life, they knew his perfect character better and more intimately than anyone and they still accused him of being out of his mind. 

Yet, Jesus didn't become heartbroken over this. He didn't stop what he was doing and become obsessed with proving to his family or the religious leaders that he was really in his right mind or try to earn their respect. He didn't become discouraged by their doubts in his character and lose heart in his ministry. He simply kept going because his validation came from doing the Father's will, and not from the high opinion of his family or the religious leaders. 

I realized my mental and emotional focus on meeting expectations had more to do with me than it did on really wanting to make sure I was doing a good job. Doing a good job begins and ends with knowing you are doing what you should. Pride focuses on making sure people think you are doing a good job whether you are or not. 

And so, I confess there are times when I struggle to know even my own motivation. It's so easy to deceive even ourselves and forfeit our servanthood to God to a lesser servanthood to man. 

But I am also here to say that there is hope in Christ who can release you from such a bondage and even if you find yourself in a position of ministry I want to encourage you that you, maybe even more so than others, need to be wholly and fully a servant only of Christ. 

Pride is a sneaky disease that will quickly kill even the best intentions, ministries and churches. 

And what is the remedy of pride? Self-forgetfulness. Humility. A heart so fixated on Christ and others that you are not so worried about your own name. 

Easier said than done right? But I am right there with you. And the Holy Spirit, if we ask, can show us our true hearts and motivations and can give us the strength to start to change. No, it won't happen quickly or comfortably, but it will happen. And Christ will be there with Grace every step of the way. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S  

Sarah and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Habit of Running

 

 

Running is stupid. 

It's stupid that I would put my body through an hour of pain and physical stress for 15 minutes of euphoria. 

Statistically, I am a complete idiot for agreeing to this wildly unfair bargain day after day. 

Here's the thing about running: there is not one person I have met who consistently runs who doesn't also hate it just a teeny tiny bit. We are all perfectly aware we're playing the fool, and we are all totally okay with it. 

Here's generally how my runs go: I lace up my shoes, grab my headphones, start my playlist full of the head-banging, alternative music I used to listen to in high school that still makes me feel like I can conquer the world (Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance) and start what will the next five or six miles full of promise and energy. 

It doesn't take long for things to start becoming uncomfortable. I notice a cramp in my left calf, my right earbud is not quite as tight as the other one, my stomach is starting to tighten up and I feel the remains of my lunch bouncing up and down, and my breathing is still sporadic and shallow as I'm trying to find a rhythm and ignore all the persistent whiny cries of my body.   

My mind begins documenting the grievances: 

"Are you sure you drank enough water today? Better stop and try again later because you might die from dehydration if you continue." 

"Hello? Are you listening to me? There is a CRAMP in your SIDE. I don't think it's ever, ever going to go away. I think you need to stop running RIGHT NOW and probably look on WebMD for whatever VERY SERIOUS medical problem this is." 

"Nope, nope, nope, this is the wrong song. I can't run to this song. We need to turn around right now and try again tomorrow because the whole vibe is totally off now. How could you pick this song to begin our run?!"

And if I allow myself to start to think about the next five, six, or heaven forbid, seven miles, I panic. How could I possibly endure seven miles of all this annoying pain? 

But then, I will myself to take deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth, I relax my shoulders and my muscles and decide to only think about the very next step. Can I make another step? Of course I can. Then one step becomes two which becomes five and ten, until next thing I know, I am no longer thinking about steps, but simply enjoying the wind on my face, finally having found my rhythm. 

Life in ministry isn't far off from this. 

Ministry starts out with a lot of idealism: 

"I'm going to change the world!" 

"Every day is going to be perfect because we're all Christians and why on Earth would we struggle with sin?" 

"God is going to bless me every step of the way because I am walking in obedience to his will!" 

"I am going to go full steam all the time and never feel tired because what is more energizing than a life of serving Christ?"

But then things settle, life becomes uncomfortable, we notice the small annoyances, and we begin to panic about SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE STUCK HERE!? 

Of course, I have never, ever, not even once, thought something even remotely close to that. No, that would be silly. I really adore the speed bumps in the middle of the road that aren't painted so you can't see them at all and almost obliterate your car every time you go to the grocery store. I think it's really cute how in the summer you have a full-time job simply devoted to sweating profusely. I love playing this fun little game with motorcyclists called "Whoops, I almost killed you there" because they don't obey traffic laws and drive at neck-breaking speeds.  

Jokes aside, the adjustment period can be really hard. The novelty wears off and things start to chafe. 

Many days I find that I am just plain tired. I'm tired of having to use my brain on overdrive every day to do simple tasks. I'm tired of learning Portuguese. I'm tired of being away from my family and friends. And because I'm tired, the little things are starting to raise their annoying pipsqueak voices over the silliest things. How can you possibly raise the price of coconut oil 40 Reais from one week to the next? Are you out of your mind??! (And yes, this really did happen). 

I just want to run back to familiarity. I just want to run back to comfort. I want my dad to pour me a hot cup of coffee in one of our GIANT AMERICAN MUGS, I want my feet to touch a surface that isn't sterile tile (wood, carpet, please, anything but tile), I want to drive down smooth paved roads and not hit a single speed bump, I want to sit in a group of people and listen to them talk without straining every muscle in my brain trying to decipher their conversation, I want to go to the grocery store and know that all the same food that was there last week will be there this week, and most of all, I want to eat something other than rice and beans for lunch. 

But what happens when we decide to live our lives in comfort and familiarity? We never lace up our shoes, we never start running, and we never realize that this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad habit of running is actually the thing we love. 

I'm not the only one who thinks running and ministry parallel one another. The Bible is full of imagery of runners being compared to Christians. 

1 Corinthians 9:24 says: "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So, I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

Here, Paul is specifically talking about the race set before those in ministry, even more specifically pastors. He is emphasizing the importance of pastors running the Christian life well, to discipline themselves against sin and temptation that would make them hypocrites before their congregation, and ultimately disqualify them from being a pastor. 

But this can also be applied to those in non-pastoral ministry positions and even Christians in general. 

To be an athlete takes sacrifice. It means giving up time with your family and friends. It means having stricter guidelines and rules than the other people around you. It means that there are those you are competing against that are praying for your failure and actively putting obstacles in your way to keep you distracted and prevent you from finishing the race. 

How accurately that describes this Christian life. How accurately that describes my life as a missionary. 

You and I and every other Christian have an enemy that is doing everything he can to prevent us from finishing the race, to get us to decide it's too hard or too painful or the distractions sound a whole lot more enjoyable than running. He wants us to get entangled in sin. He wants us to become lazy. He wants us to decide that we aren't strong enough and God isn't big enough to help us finish.  

And sometimes he wins. I've watched so many people I know and love walk away from the faith in pursuit of sin. They decide holiness is too hard. They decide God really isn't good and his way is really just restraining and evil. I've seen pastors leave churches and denounce the faith. I've watched those I care about become so lazy that they just sit down on the road and completely stop running. They say they're just catching their breath, that they'll start running in just a few minutes, and then they never do. They never start running again because the ease of sitting is much more alluring than the discipline of running. 

2 Timothy 4:3-4 warns us of this: "For a time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from truth and turn aside to myths."

So, we should not be surprised when this happens. When those who claimed to be Christians are revealed for what they have always been. When people walk away and give into to their desires, selfishness and sin. We should take this as a warning that we are not above being tempted and falling away in the same way.

Verse 5 continues on saying: "But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry."

So how do we keep from giving up, falling away, and being disqualified from the race? Keeping our mind saturated in truth so it does not become confused by half-truths and deceiving lies from the world and the enemy, endure the hardship that comes from ministry and life in general by crying out to God when our flesh is weak and we don't have the physical strength to keep running, and continue doing the work--don't sit down, don't make a pit stop on your run to Denny's for pancakes and shakes--keep running, keep serving, keep being faithful. 

So, even though I find myself tired, annoyed and longing for the comforts of familiarity, I will keep running this race because the minor pains now aren't even worth comparing to that feeling of euphoria when I reach home again.

And this time it won't be euphoria that lasts 15 minutes, but euphoria that will last forever.  

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing" (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S

Four-Legged Lessons in Love

 

Napping with Milo--his favorite place to sleep was on my chest or on top of any other piece of clothing that smelled like me. 

I've never been much of an "animal person." 

I know, lock me up, I'm the heartless lunatic that never gushed over someone else's puppy or cat or whatever small creature they had with them (babies included). 

From a very young age, I was babysitting other people's children and watching other people's animals, and here's what I learned: animals and children consume your life. 

What I tried to explain away as just my personality not being compatible with high energy animals or fears of not being a good enough parent, really just boiled down to selfishness. And I am an incredibly selfish person.   

I covet my alone time, my space, and I viciously defend the corners of my life nobody can see or touch or know anything about. I love quiet and peace and feeling no obligation to talk to anyone. 

My ideal weekend is backpacking in the woods completely alone, surrounded by birds and occasional deer who couldn't care less what I am doing. 

And so, you can imagine my surprise when, without thinking, I scoop up a 2-month-old puppy wandering in front of my apartment one dark Saturday night. 

My colleague stood beside me, eyeing me and the dirt-coated ball of fur in my arms. "Are you going to keep that?" they asked. 

I looked down at the shaking configuration of skin and bones, pushing its nose in the crook of my arm. "What else am I supposed to do with it?" I asked. Picking up the puppy may have been impulsive, but putting the puppy back in the street where he was surely going to die would be deliberate and cruel.

So, I did what anyone else would have done--I kept him. After my colleague wished me good luck with a chuckle and a shake of their head, I brought the puppy inside and gave it a bath. 

It was clear from the lack of fur, sores, and scabies that this puppy had probably been born on the streets and abandoned as the runt of the litter. I had no idea how to "own a dog" much less fix a very sick one. 

The night I brought Milo home. He fell asleep quickly after I gave him a bath. 

I called my sister and brother-in-law and surprised them with my latest impulsive decision. I played it off as nothing big, told them I wasn't even sure I would keep him, and said maybe I would find someone else who wanted him because, after all, I am not an animal person anyway. 

But that night, as the puppy cried and whimpered all night, I found my heart growing soft. And as much as I tried to play off getting attached, I spent hours looking up the perfect dog name until I finally settled on Milo which means peaceful or merciful. 

The next day I took Milo to the vet and was told that in addition to having scabies and worms, he also had anemia. I was given medicine and sent home. 

The days that followed are kind of a blur. I spent very little time sleeping and much time holding Milo who loved the smell of my clothes and only wanted to be sleeping if he was on me or on a piece of my clothing that I had worn recently. 

I began imagining what Milo would be like when he got better, stronger, healthier. I imagined him going on runs with me, cuddling with me while I read, and simply being a companion. 

But there were moments of frustration, of tears. I remember calling a friend and just crying on FaceTime while I held Milo wrapped in a towel because every time I walked away from Milo he would cry, but I was so scared of getting scabies that I didn't want to hold him for long periods of time. 

There were moments when I was going to the vet every single day for a week, thinking that this isn't what I thought this would be like, wishing I had never picked him up in the first place. 

I remember when Milo began vomiting every time he ate and then eventually refused to eat anything at all. 

I remember laying on my kitchen floor while he laid on my favorite tye dye shirt, begging him to eat so he could get better, wondering why I cared so much about a dog that just the other day I had fantasized about putting back in the streets. 

And then Milo died, and I cried real tears because I learned the love that little puppy that I never wanted in the first place. 

And as I packed up the collar and leash that Milo hardly got to use, donated the bag of food Milo never ate, and threw away the cardboard box he used for a bed, I realized that this is the kind of love that we are called to exhibit as Christians and the same kind of love that goes against the very grain of our nature. 

The kind of love that keeps giving when we get nothing in return. Love that chooses to give when we might get hurt. 

I knew there was a possibility Milo wouldn't make it. I knew there was a possibility he would never get better. I knew that choosing to get attached to him came with a very real possibility of heartbreak. 

Ephesians 2:2-3 says: "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind." 

To love God, a spouse, an animal or a child is not natural for us. Our nature is selfishness, indifference to the needs of others, and the quintessential romantic comedy character--terrified of commitment, caring about someone until the point it doesn't benefit them anymore, and allowing their selfishness to justify being unfaithful. 

It's embarrassing to admit, but I used to think that those who decided to get married or have kids were somehow taking an easier route than choosing to be single, which was only me trying to make myself feel better about being single by putting others down (sin is really ugly, isn't it?).

But I now realize that it's actually much easier to be single and allow your selfishness to remain unchecked. You don't realize how deep your self-centeredness runs until you are asked to put yourself aside for a spouse or a child. I now realize how much of a sacrifice of self it requires to vow your life to another, to surrender your body to the needs of a child, and give up every sacred moment of space, time, and silence.   

So, where's the hope when all of us are just selfish little goblins screaming about "my precious" anytime anyone tried to pull our coveted alone time from our clutched fists? 

Ephesians 2 continues on and says: "But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Jesus Christ. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast" (vs. 4-8). 

Our only hope to love how Christ calls us to love is through Christ; through his example of such selfless acts of love toward us on the day he was hung on the tree for our sins, and every single day since. 

It's through being so astounded that he chooses to love us and even shower us with blessings when we haven't taken the time to pray or spend a single minute with him in months. 

It's through his life-transforming power that gives us a new heart--removes our heart of stone that refuses to love, refuses to trust, refuses to let anyone inside, and gives us a tender heart of flesh that chooses to love even when it doesn't give any rewards back and feels like it requires more of us than we have to give. 

And so for the seven days that God allowed me to know Milo, he taught me some lessons in love that will last much longer. 

You are loved and you are not alone, 

S